I Do Not Deserve

I lay here, trembling from the cold and bitterness of this world. Frozen in place, wondering when you will take me. But no, you cannot. Let me stay here, cocooned in my never ending misery, crying out in despair, encouraging it to keep coming forward, for it never slows down. Why? Why must you give me so much? So much grace, mercy, compassion. So much that I do not deserve. For I know that the torment stuck inside me, would write it’s name with dark red lines across my wrists, flowing with unsaid remarks. That the smoke would write its name upon my lungs and brain cells. That the substance crawling down my throat would write its name upon my liver and my good judgment. That males would intercede on my desolation and write their names upon my virginity. If not your name was written upon my heart, mind, and soul, all would come to pass. But no, let me dwell upon this corrupt nature only to make me feel worse. Much worse do I deserve. The purest lamb’s blood poured over me washing me clean. Washing me clean of anything and everything. My troubles and despair lifted up to Him, only to cause me to become filled with joy. No, why must you love me this way, bless me when I do not deserve. Lead me, work through me, let your will be done. Let anything and everything glorify you, but do not bring joy upon me, for I do not deserve. No matter. You will still give me things, bring me hope and joy, and bless me. For you have my best interests at heart and know what I need. You will provide and I will put all my faith and trust in you. Nothing I have, compares to Calvary. But I still lay it at your feet and all I can say is thank you. and I love you.