I Can'T Understand

They say seek understanding, but what if you're the last one standing. When their presence alone ignites fear in your bones. The way personalities shift is a curse, not a gift. I do not understand, does that make me bad? I don't want to, it shouldn't be something I have to do. It makes my mind spin and spin. The worst scenarios in my head, the worst of sins. I know it's just as hard for them, but i feels like I'm banging at the door and they won't let me in. I'm stuck on high alert, my desire to be empathetic is inert. At heart I'm an introvert. I hate to feel like I'm in this cage, rattling with rage, because on the inside I'm afraid. What's been done to me, can't be reversed, the pain I feel honestly hurts. I'm someone who needs an exit plan, somewhere where I can dip my toes in the sand. Don't sit and watch me stumble, reach down and give me a hand. I don't want your indifference or a solution that's on the fence. I require reassurance the devil & I no longer dance. I won't wreck myself, but I really do need some help. I don't particularly enjoy the cards I've been dealt, they leave me wondering, "What the hell?" I refuse to bow down, but I'll change my surroundings to escape the sound. Don't worry too much, damned if I end up right about my hunch, it's all about to go south and before that happens I want out. I'm irritated, I'm far from situated, all those sayings are outdated. It's my choice, to chose my type of noise. I refuse to listen, because there is little to no reason. I know I'm crazy, please don't hate me, but know that I'm entitled to my own opinion. I don't understand, forgive me if that's sinning. Written in regards to being triggered by someone who acted much like my abusve ex.