How Many Times

HOW MANY TIMES ? Now I’m a commonsense-o-holic But when I was a practising catholic Confession was always a trial or a show. The guy behind the wire-gauze fence Always seemed to want to know How many times I had done the offence. Well the most common offence, though odious, Of young teenage boys is obvious: And sometimes I used to mentally advance The following extenuating circumstance Well twenty-eight times this week Because my hormones were at their peak; Well fifty-three times but I must admit It would have been sixty you’d have to acquit If I had had enough energy left for such crimes; Well, father, it would have been four times, But there's no lock on the door, you see And my mother walked in on me, suddenly. What did he do with all the statistics of my energy pent? Of frequency ? Of offending commandment? Did he report to higher authority? Did he keep bar charts or pie graphs of me Compared with other boys of teen-age? Was I better or worse than average? Confession is secret so I never found out But to hell I am going beyond any doubt.