Hoarding Hope - the Odd Ball

Get me feeling well For, I am sick as hell Brain orgasms and headaches rape my mind and left me thoughtlessly behind Trying to keep the Kingdom in remembrance before I grow blind or lose my mind I am under sin's spell Can’t everyone tell? I am wanting joy like a happy, carefree boy Anxious depression makes me feel oh so coy and absolutely worthless…at least I’m making small changes in my life and I am alive and survived tribulations in everything I say or do and everyone I see out of the blue – I always feel like I am on my own and alone, but I’m especially not alone I don’t want to be manipulated like a toy I understand that I’m too late to apologize to You…I have been dragged below a thousand feet under the surface of serenity – shame on me for being selfish more or less; shadows and reflections shower upon me tonight, so mirror my pain that triggers my insane migraines and misfits; please cast it into the shadows in my vexing reality of my curiosity-clustered unknown I can’t hold grudges or act like I’m holier than thou, so instead, I forgive you and so does God… …I should have a good time regardless of the sadness that is all in my head I feel like people think I’m odd I am burning tin foil in your hands of utter derision…Lord, show me the righteous, beloved direction Wrapped around my body…oh so suddenly, in front of my face, I have been rejected of an empathetic embrace and temporary grace I am not fooled by your ingenuine, stubborn affection…you gave me flaws and I pretended they were perfection…our separation is a sex-deprived ******** With restless satisfaction-soaked precision in its entirety Burnt out, again, with hardly any joy – need more positivity I’m unpredictable and do stupid things I don’t mean to do – making some changes is my mission Sex with my ex (I know I am getting out of context) Was a mere text (it was crude and ridiculous of me to let you explore me beyond the simple pecks) It wasn’t the best (who will love a man who is broken-hearted?) Life's one difficult test (I feel the rollercoasters of emotions – some are positively optimistic, some are hallow feelings or extremely mellow and other times, I am filled with indescribable, incredible dread) Oh loyal, loving Lord… I don’t want to sow discord or feel so bored I want Your pure accord To throw away all this negativity I hoard I hoard hope now Thank you, Father of light Wishing that somehow He can lift me up with might I hoard hope now, so I take a bow I appreciate Your more-than-good, persistent protection, blessed help and sincere security…believe me, You gave me more than enough chances as You please You make me say “wow” – anyhow, I know I was lustful and a pleasure-seeker beyond a million measures – I still need Your mercy and forgive my impatience and insecurities…my heart's at ease It’s a miracle and a brilliant blessing That You are so good to me tonight In prayer, I find myself confessing That I’ve done wrong in Your sight Your narrow pathway is a difficult maze to complete; in a deepest sense, I need to seek rejuvenating, remedy-mending repentance Eventually, I will grow stronger and wiser, not bittersweet and a jackass Trek the horizon and bring me motivation and encouragement to reach out for splendid, faithful utopia that will happen sooner or later…I thank You for Your authentic benevolence and immense magnificence – I won’t give in to hopeless evanescence My long-lost soul is weeping with tears of joy and sorrow minus the sass