Growing Pains
Bleak and dark, no up or down
In your head, round and round
Memories from long ago
That got stuck in and wildly grow
Do you remember when you were three?
You thought your mind was yours and free
Second year in primary school?
What you did was very cool
You thought it was funny to change the song
None of your friends said it was wrong
You thought you were the best bee’s knees
As you hung around behind the trees
Now those memories come back to haunt
They niggle, poke and prod and taunt
You killed an ant at the age of six
Your brain throws that in to the mix
At the age of nine you saw a mouse
You knew it was living in your house
You watched your mum put down a trap
And heard the moment that it went snap!
Puberty came; the thoughts got darker
You wrote ‘whore’ on a friend in permanent marker
She never forgave you and, even now
You’re known to her as the evil cow
Little things like a misunderstanding
Come pelting down like a plane crash landing
You’d forgotten about that little boy
And how you stole his favourite toy
Silly things like a word misheard
Was one, for years, your brain preferred
A small white lie was all it took and
Harm yourself came from your own hand
In to an adult and darker still
Your thinking lost it’s own free will
You mentally beat yourself up at night
Knowing you’ll never win the fight
Fight or flight, stand up or bow down
Which do you choose for what you saw as a frown?
Tone of voice and body language
Can land you in a silent anguish
Asleep in bed and !PING! Awake
Was that really the best step to take?
Coming out and the trials that came
How much hurt is in a name?
A plague of thoughts, all day and night
An end that is never, ever, in sight
A wish to be gone was what you had
And yes it really was that bad
Google? How many pills do I need
For my heart and head to be eternally freed?
Google said go ask the fish
My kids, a lover, a soul mate, wife
Are the only things that saved my life
Copyright © Shelley Murray-Foreman | Year Posted 2019
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