Growing Pains

Bleak and dark, no up or down In your head, round and round Memories from long ago That got stuck in and wildly grow Do you remember when you were three? You thought your mind was yours and free Second year in primary school? What you did was very cool You thought it was funny to change the song None of your friends said it was wrong You thought you were the best bee’s knees As you hung around behind the trees Now those memories come back to haunt They niggle, poke and prod and taunt You killed an ant at the age of six Your brain throws that in to the mix At the age of nine you saw a mouse You knew it was living in your house You watched your mum put down a trap And heard the moment that it went snap! Puberty came; the thoughts got darker You wrote ‘whore’ on a friend in permanent marker She never forgave you and, even now You’re known to her as the evil cow Little things like a misunderstanding Come pelting down like a plane crash landing You’d forgotten about that little boy And how you stole his favourite toy Silly things like a word misheard Was one, for years, your brain preferred A small white lie was all it took and Harm yourself came from your own hand In to an adult and darker still Your thinking lost it’s own free will You mentally beat yourself up at night Knowing you’ll never win the fight Fight or flight, stand up or bow down Which do you choose for what you saw as a frown? Tone of voice and body language Can land you in a silent anguish Asleep in bed and !PING! Awake Was that really the best step to take? Coming out and the trials that came How much hurt is in a name? A plague of thoughts, all day and night An end that is never, ever, in sight A wish to be gone was what you had And yes it really was that bad Google? How many pills do I need For my heart and head to be eternally freed? Google said go ask the fish My kids, a lover, a soul mate, wife Are the only things that saved my life