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Got To Lose To Start New

Something I have to accept Is that my life reset, 
my transitional twenties ended empty, 
from people to places to drugs I was  taking, 
life snapped escaped became separated. 

my thirties gave me a new slate, 
but in a confused state, 
stuck in a removed place, 
facing my twenties on a clue chase, 
Had an empty space 
escalation lost pace 
Now something I trace
seek truth and link fate, 

Depressed misery  
to repressed memories 
Friends to enemies 
Worn away mentally 

I finally find the beginning 
the start was me winning 
then helpless hope blinking 
overwhelmed lost and sinking 

I went at it alone putting up a fight, 
Survived the mind games and the plots, 
advantage to fight preventing my flight 
when help was denied, victory was forgot 

I just needed the mature thought 
someone to advise, someone to talk, 
The unprepared fight that I fought, 
Never win on my own, certainty fall short

I get it now that I was let down 
 the power that be went to town
illegal operations pushed me about
Treating me as though I’m a clown 

That judgement is subjective 
Based on selfish objective 
disrespectful rejection didn’t want to listen 
True colours, gone never will I miss them 

And now I can link the past to the present, 
Understanding reality no longer guessing, 
A vision of my future beyond depression  
No longer destroyed suicidal and stressing 

Absorbed on the whole yet still sinking in, 
I get caught reminiscing not progressing 
Torture and stolen time is my obsession 
But slowly digested as the impact lessens 

I know I am stalling and after I’d fallen, 
But I know I’ll go forward and be rewarded
need to explore what for and my calling 
Beaten to believing, a victory recorded 

I never surrendered
I never gave in 
The lesson to remember 
Endure ‘til you win

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