Families

Families awkward phone call answers family dinner, funeral, wedding, graduation... strained, uneasy voice, barely recognizes name on list Can you make it? wanting acceptance, warmth...love? black sheep, barely holding on to family tree branches...straining, cracking, mother dies, weakens the branch grandma dies, weakens the branch cousin dies, weakens the branch brother dies, weakens the branch who are you? faces ask the question I mean... how have you been? hugs, smiles, questions meant to welcome, recover lost time standing in kitchen, watching coffee drip examining photos on refrigerator reading circled dates on calendar nervous fingers caress cutlery drawer awkward feelings of childhood insecurity come rushing back who should I be? who do they expect me to be? trying conversation failing badly not smart enough, sophisticated enough, worldly enough, not... not sure what but lacking I steal a glance at the microwave clock family catches me time to go? no eyes of uncles watching me madly eyes of aunts looking down sadly cookies? more coffee? Distracted by background hymn "What song is this?" name of artist I wouldn't know of course passing around cheese I wouldn't know of course pouring glass of wine from year I wouldn't appreciate or country I'd never visit acutely aware that I am underdressed under classed eyes asking why is he here? right the blood eyes jump from me to clock was there a hint in that look? forcing a smile inside screaming clawing crying punching swearing fake laugh at joke I didn't get trying to act interested in stories from that side of the tracks trying to steady dry working hands checks and hides dirty finger nails damn did they notice? it's getting late I should go soon murmuring voices silenced eyes wander to my declaration hugs and handshakes hasten my departure hope to see you soon, keep in touch, blah, blah useless last minute pity talk puts on shoes last look at relieved eyes walks to car parks down the street covers face cries for hours families.