Allison Kinzy | + Follow Poet |
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Existence Meaningless

this existence is meaningless
i don’t understand
i don’t understand
why me? 
the cliché echoes in empty air
but is amplified in my soul
as no other question
holds such validity
as this.

this existence is meaningless
i am out of control
the tears that seem to be perpetually
running down my cheeks
i don’t even feel their dampness
on my skin
they just reabsorb and recycle
back into more tears
a loop never-ending
and vicious
giving no relief from the constriction
in my throat and chest
not even to breathe

this existence is meaningless
and this small apartment
seems to close in around me
compressing my thoughts
into a ball
hardly recognizable, hardly coherent
except a call of help
except a scream of pain
to which there is no answer
except resounding silence.

this existence is meaningless
i lose my grip on reality
as the world falls away
and all i can see is the people
the hot burning gas of stars
burning brightly
brightly laughing at me
as i spin quickly
into oblivion.

this existence is meaningless
“I sword to God that I’d never be
What I’ve become”
and yet my faith
as if i had any to begin with
has faded in the background
of my life
i cannot tell anymore
between happiness
and sadness
they say you need one
to have the other
but they both feel the same to me now.

this existence is meaningless
“Nobody’s home
Broken inside”
i hear words sung
and hear thoughts mimicked
or recognize their repetition
in everything i see
what comes through my senses
is filtered through the lens
my mind puts up
drunk and staggering
on toxic tears.

this existence is meaningless
i am held
but feel not the arms around me
i am immune to the love rained down on me
it rolls off
discarded in a pool at my feet
and my wall to the outside
is not permeable
i can see out
but no one can see in
and nothing
comes through
to effect or change
the bitter turn my heart has taken
i am walking now
on a path that moves underneath me
so that i go nowhere
even if i run
the only place i reach
is the ground
as i collapse from exhaustion.

this existence is meaningless
and no matter how hard i try
to find a point
this life i lead
doesn’t lend itself
to questioning
and so stays mute
while i am left with a sinking feeling
that things will never change.

Copyright © Allison Kinzy | Year Posted 2007

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