Amanda Kinzer | + Follow Poet |
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Dying But Still Breathing

I never knew it was capable to die, but still be able to breathe, at least not until the day that you told me that we couldn’t be
There I sat in the same chair that you last saw my face, and the tears fell as they did that day as you walked away without a trace
Only then in my mind I believed that I would again see you, so those tears were tears of longing and knowing there was nothing I could do
But these tears are different being shed for another reason completely, see these tears are due to a broken heart that has stopped it’s beat

In that oblivious moment that you said goodbye to me, it hadn’t hit me yet that you were never going to return to me
See I thought just as I am sure that you were hoping too, that all would work out in the end and I would be with you
I don’t know what changed between us when you left that day, but something changed your mind about us as you went on your way
Maybe it was going back to where you knew that you belonged, and once you faced the reality of the situation you knew you just weren’t that strong

That as much as you wanted it to work out and that you wanted to return to me, that haunting voice in the back of your mind kept telling you that it could never be
It made you see the reality, it showed you the fantasy, that what we had was all a dream, that neither of us would ever see
That what we shared was nothing more than a precious moment in time, and that what we wanted we couldn’t have, no matter how hard we both tried
The voice kept reminding you that you had other obligations in your life other than me, and that you couldn’t just abandon them and run away with me

It reminded you that there was so much distance between us, and who would take the leap? It all became too much to bare, and haunted you in your sleep
It drove you to the point of insanity where you believed that you were going mad, and you truly believed that all of us would be better off without you, and that made me feel so sad
I explained to you that you couldn’t have been more wrong, that I loved you so much, as did others, but I knew in my heart that I would forever long
Long for your touch, your voice, the conversations, and the warm embrace, I would long to reach out and touch your handsome, charming face

But deep down I knew in my heart that as much as I loved you, I had to let you go, because I was doing nothing but hurting you, and I felt that pain deep in my soul
I love me, but I loved you even more, I gave up my true happiness of being with you, just so that you could have so much more
So that you could have the life that you never had, the one where you were present and would give all that you have
When you truly love someone, you’ll do anything for them no matter the cost, and that is why I let you walk away, and I accepted the truth that I lost

I wanted to see you happy and although a part of me was selfish wanting it to be with me, I let you go into the arms of someone else, I set you free
I have never felt such excruciating, soul crashing pain as I did in that moment in time, but I knew in my heart that I had to let go of what wasn’t mine
So, I can honestly say that I know how it feels to die but still be able to breathe, because when I let you go a part of my soul died and was taken away from me
But I could still breathe although it may have been shallow breaths, through the tears I could still feel what was left of my heart still beating in my chest.

Copyright © Amanda Kinzer | Year Posted 2020

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