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Deathwish

I’m slowly going
On a downward spiral
I’m making impulsive decisions
I need a revival
I can’t live under these conditions

Everything is making me
Feel worse
This darkness is truly
A curse

It infects every part of my life
It plagues the life of others
I feel this knife
Getting pushed in deeper

This feeling smothering me
I need someone to shelter me
From this storm
I can see the face of the reaper

I feel like it would be
Better if I wasn’t born
The mountain I climb
Gets steeper

I have always had problems
With no one to solve em
Medication only suppresses
The darkness

I’m the black sheep
Of my family
Everyone has their own life
While I’m struggling to

Make the most out of this hell
This pain runs deep
I need to come out of my shell
But I’m too scared

To get out of my comfort zone
You are paired
With the same people your whole life
And everyone expects you to be alright

But families have problems
This house never feels like a home
It feels like a living hell
No one truly cares

Everyone has their own life
While I’m struggling live
I hate it when you yell
I don’t feel like you wanted to give

Me the same amount of love
As everyone else in this
ed up family
I’m not like everyone else

I’m the problem child
I can remember every
Traumatic memory
I never remember the good ones

I don’t feel like there were
Any good memories
My life is not fun
I feel like I got a gun

Pointed at my head
But I’m struggling
To pull the trigger
I already feel dead

This pain is not mild
It’s more severe
Than you think
I’m just a  up

My two brothers started working
When they were still in high school
While I was trying to be a kid
Cuz my childhood was robbed from me

By this darkness and trauma
I can’t find a place to shelter myself
From this storm
But it just keep pouring

I got nothing good going
In my life
I don’t have a job
And I’m not in school

I walked in traffic
Hoping I would get hit
It is like I was riding the
Crazy train

But someone else was
Taking the wheel
I can’t get these ideas out
Of my brain

I don’t know how to feel
Without being high
I can’t deal
With this pain anymore

I don’t know how to heal
Without taking meds
It’s hard to get better
When your suffering in silence

I got a ing deathwish
I have nightmares with
A lot of violence
I dealt with too much trauma

To want to recover
I wish that I could just get cured
But unfortunately I need to suffer
To be a survivor

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Voodoo Child

Date: 12/15/2021 3:49:00 AM

Joshua, this is too sad. I don’t know enough about your condition to constructively advise you but you must face your struggle and pain head on. You can’t just let it fester away. You have a future, you just need to find a way to inject some purpose and joy in your life. I urge you to reach out to someone, if not your family then to a neighbour, an old acquaintance, or someone you can talk to and share your hurt with. It worked for me. God bless.