Damage
The first time we had sex
He threw some paper towels to me
And spoke
“Clean yourself up unless you want to take that home with you”
It’s midnight and I’m tired
He started to feel me up and when I expressed
I wasn’t in the mood
He threw an hour tantrum
Which ended with him deciding to sleep in his car
I’m allowed to say no
I don’t need a reason
And for that
He called me “uptight”
I wanted to invite my crush over to watch a movie
He was well on his way
Until he figured out the date wouldn’t involve clothes on the floor
“Why would I drive an hour if there’s no sex”
I was sixteen
I had the flu, but was starting to feel better
We were fooling around when suddenly, I felt nauseous
I ran to the bathroom and threw up
I came back to bed, laid down and said “I can’t do this right now I’m sorry”
And he said, “Thanks for being a tease then” and left the room
Senior year, prom night
I’m in my high school hallway
We’re in an argument because I wouldn’t grope his junk
In a crowded cafeteria of my peers
He’d ask and I’d say no
But he’d ask again and again
“No not tonight”
So, he’d use his hands instead of his words
“Can you stop”
But he wouldn’t
I’d let him anyway
Just to make him stop
I remember the time he looked at me and told me I was good enough to but he could never date me
We’re at the movie theatre
About 45 minutes pass and I feel a hand on my right breast
“I know somewhere we can go”
I’m so disappointed
Sometimes I feel like an object rather than a person. I always feel valued by what my body can offer and because of this; sex can be a trigger for me. These men will never understand the echo that remains.
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