Collapse

I stepped into the shower and as the water trailed down my back.. Left alone with my thoughts again, I felt myself collapse. I know there's no use spilling tears over what is past, But every time i'm left alone, My mind brings them back. I feel the emptiness that continuously gnaws at my at my bones, I feel it in my stomach every single time, I'm alone.. My love, he hates it, The only topic he refuses to discuss, Hes' the only man that I love and The only man I trust. I don't blame him, He Cannot bring himself to understand.. I felt the changes within my body, He merely felt me under his hands. I refuse to burden him with the pain that makes me break, Though I know he loves me, there's only so much someone can take, I feel my sanity as if its a thin blanket around my skin, I feel the fabric stretch and i know it's wearing thin. I want to write about it, the war raging behind my ribs, the screams I feel wash over me, that never leave my lips... I scribble down the words as they rush behind my eyes No matter how i try to say it, This never comes out right. The water pools around my feet and I lose track of time. Descending into madness as I slowly lose my mind.. I miss them, Though we never got the chance to meet, I know he doesn't understand how much they meant to me. I stare at these ultrasound photos and i feel it burn behind my eyes, My vision becomes clouded, still unable to say goodbye. Unable to say hello, I never got the chance to see, the innocence on there faces.. The people they'd grow to be.. I stay still as my mind torments me.. breaking me slow. All the things we missed, All the things we'll never know. I sit down gasping, as everything pours back, These memories, I hide from, These memories i keep trapped. My breath comes out like breaking glass and tears stream down my cheeks, Only here when i'm alone. Feeling swallowed by defeat. I turn off the water, Taking control of my own mind. Pushing back the memories, I'll never leave behind. As I come to terms that I'll break each time these words are said, I'm less of a person than i was because a Part of me is dead. My Dearest Twins February 24th and march 1st, 2018.