David Kidd Poet Rhyme

Choose Your In-laws First!

I don't want to be starting any family wars 
but hands up if you love your in-laws (long pause)
Be warned, yours could be around for 60 years 
and be ten times worse than your worst fears

So I hope Groom you took care with selection 
of those who'll do constant vivisection 
and dissection of your most intimate habits 
and who'll want you to get as busy as rabbits

Choosing your in-laws is more important than the bride 
so I hope with the following rules you did abide 
I'd go and hide if you've broken just one 
You'll need a new alias and money to run

There are warning signals not to ignore 
like them wanting keys to your back door 
or the in-law who's a diabolical snare 
offering you hand-me-down underwear

The underwear's been in the family for generations 
It's been through trials and constipations 
Good family relations will not stand a rejection 
so run away now, or risk an infection

And watch out if when you court her 
the girl always quotes what they've taught her 
She's their daughter and you have no claim –  
next they'll insist you take their family name


If your mother-in-law always overcooks 
she's trying to destroy your wife's good looks 
She doesn't want your hooks on her daughter so fair 
so she'll make her unattractive with chocolate éclair

From what the groom's told me there's cause for concern 
Every time he sees them they're strangely taciturn 
It's when they're taciturn you've got to get away 
because it's more important what they don't say

He said her Dad only grunts if he greets him at all 
and talking to him is like talking to a brick wall 
He's heading for a fall, like a sick matador 
It's more serious than the keys to the back-a-door

It's not the folios they push on superannuation 
or their career change 'recommendation' 
It's not their consternation at his mountains of sin 
Cor blimey it's worse, they want to move in!

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