Charade You Are
I feel the shadow of fear creeping down the dark hall
slipping noticed into the room - my eyes squinched tight
But I know that shadow even with my eyes closed don't I
It's bad intentions made known with the smell of beer
in my nostrils.
oh god, oh god, oh god
Holding still under covers
praying to a god that's nowhere around
don't get me, don't get me
my fear sucks all sound from the room
But not for long
I see the shadows of my sister dancing in the dark
the blue of the night light adds calming colors
making shadow creatures out of the dancers frenzied movements
yet doing nothing to mask the whimpered sound
of dying innocence
Just how many times can innocence die?
I lay frozen with fear and self hatred
I mean why couldn't I just sneak up and beat my father
to death with my baton underneath the bed?
I wish I was brave enough to smash his face bloody
why can't I?
Cause daddy's stronger than god!!
I'm no savior, just a little girl with the world
and my sister's innocence on my shoulders
I disgust myself lying frozen
while the abuse goes on and on
Till a minute seems like hours
I clap my hands over my ears
pretending this is not my life
no, no, no, this can't be my life
Please God, just let me die
Waiting until the shadow slips down the hall
back to hell and my mother -
who's earned the title of Mama the blind
and not for nothing either
I disappear into the nothing I've become
and will spend my entire life perfecting
wearing my mask of a happy girl
ha ha Charade you are
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