Chaos

Chaos I try to love others, With the hope of loving myself. I cry when alone, Because I feel so unloved. My heart is bleeding, torn Lost in unclear emotions. I pretend to be happy to get by, So that the world sees a star trying to shine. I try to gleam but my moods confuse everyone, My heart has lost its pigment to pain; Trying to give out the little love I once had, Like a mendicant, I entreat the world to love me. How sad it is, feeling like a nobody, Always trying to push everyone away. Yet I strongly need someone next to me, Lost in my own body praying for something I don't even know of. Every night sleeping asking myself questions, They call me a mad poet, for I always feel like dying. Not because I want to but because I feel like it's a need, A solution to my emotional devastation and pain. I'm a complicated puzzle you can't solve, Even though I am trying to mend myself together. I'm still much of a wreck trying to find the end of the tunnel, Because I feel so bleak and tortured. My tears have run out and my cheeks are dry, All I want is just to die because it's not easy being me. Life as hard as a piece of diamond, Of course, I do pray 4 times a day but it keeps getting darker. God, please hear my prayers before I give up, Help me oh Lord before I quit. Because this pain I'm in is overwhelming my body, My heart always beating endlessly a drum. I feel damaged like a mirror, Pieces can be brought together but never the same beauty. I'm molested by the pain I face every day, Yet my body can no longer sustain the pressure. Despite all this torture I still smile, Pretending that everything is fine with me. Telling lies to the world that nothing is wrong with me, Always around my friends with depression and anxiety. Chaos is what I find myself in, My mind and my heart battling. I try to seek peace but I am stranded, One would say that my heart is blended. Numb, my body feels at times, but I try to find happiness in love. Love mutters at me like a lion, I pray to God from above for a rescue. I am in complete chaos, lost in a thicket, At times they say that I am wicked. I wish they could understand why, Life is harsh on me, hence why I would rather die. My wounds are cut in deep, And at night I can barely sleep. If only once life could have remorse, My life would not be such chaos.