Change

The first one The first one to speak The first one to want to thrive The first one to try and speak and not to just survive The first one to shatter denial It feels like Aware I’m squishing it inside The first one to mention neurodivergence Encourage talk In youthful stages Sharing ‘all those feelings’ of mine Knowing others do what they are capable of and I am wrong, because I don’t always see What’s really going on in their world But, I felt I was pretty good at an overview and they preferred the, their lens, screen Traumatic patterns too Of anger, I seemed like I was raising my head above the water Spitting out blood I saw what was unhealthy I felt putting conditions on it Meant it wasn’t love I end up feeling I’m selfish because I keep discomfort alive I want to ask the questions and, for some, there’s a mass of convenient assumption Fanning flames of disillusionment Yet, keeping the important stuff inside Maybe they see me with an elevated sense of self Because I want to reach understandings and doing it is bad for my health We loop over the same topics I chastise myself for each time I’m bad for getting sucked in Because you know how to hurt me but, does it bother you, watching me sink? Or is there an exquisite elevation and touch-release Of a ‘troubled’ soul with the ‘kooky’ vibe My arrogance because things you do in 2024 I could have told you at twenty five Me and that mass of feelings That violate you I spoke But there’s no credit for a heart alive And so, Is it me trying to secure safety? Something no words can ever buy You don’t get credit for noticing For being one of the first From the loneliest place to live life I try to get vulnerable and spill out my flaws But my word salad Stops you from being engaged and, after all, I only eat sugar and carbs Shaming repeated and spirals Each other’s disconnected soliloquies Grey, vivid and blurry Poised - of hurt and rage Feeling paint cartwheels lifted all over my page .. Tara star