Emily Ann Poet Free verse

Car Fire

I painted a car the other day
A car on fire
I painted it with yellow 
Which hurt
even when we were burning alive 
I was still drawn in by the light 

The car was our space
I always hated giving people rides
But I suddenly found myself asking 
if I could take you home
If I would be allowed 
To go out of my way
To spend time with you
I always hated giving rides
But my car feels empty without you in my passenger seat

Hard things happened in that car
But that car is also laced with every I love you
Every drop off was followed by an 
I love you
A contortionist hug over the console 
And two kisses because one just wasn’t enough

I knew it was ending though 
Things felt like they were on fire
We sat in that car on fire for a long time
Both burning
Neither strong enough to leave its warmth and light
Even when it was killing us

“We have to”
In that car
“We need to”
In that car
“I’m not going to let you let me keep hurting you”
In that car
“I don’t want it to end”

A moment of silence
Between sobs
A nod in the car 
As you stared into my eyes
A nod at what needed to be done
I shook my head no
Squeezing your hand three times
Sobbing as you squeezed in back in a pattern of three
In that car 

not one ounce of my car was untouched by you
our mini golf cards are still stuck in the seat
And the cufflets from prom
Are still on my dashboard

You always left something in my car 
Something to return
I know it wasn’t on purpose 
But a little part of me would smile
Seeing your Chromebook on my seat
Knowing that you were so confident 
That you would be back in my car
Sooner than you would need it
That you would be seeing me sooner than you would need whatever you had left
I liked that
It felt stable
Trusting 

I wonder if my car will miss you in the passenger seat
I can’t recall the last time someone sat there 
Besides you
I hate giving people rides
But it was never about that with you
It was the “we can do one more lap”
And “oh shoot I left my headphones in your car” 
“Can I grab them next time?”

Our car has been on fire for a long time
Maybe it always has been
It’s reeked of gasoline
And your cologne when you left it after prom 
But when I painted it in a state of frustration 
I dipped into the yellow
Far more than I dipped into the red
Because even when burning alive
I thought your light was captivating

I painted a car on fire
But it wasn’t our car
Because our car is still in my driveway 
And for once
You haven’t left anything 
At the same time 
You’ve left everything

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