Christina Murray Poet Free verse

Brother

I wish you cared in a way that didn’t hurt
Or at least in a way that didn’t make me feel forgotten
You keep your distance
Reaching out only now and then
Asking how life is going but you never say much 
And the phone call ends just as soon as it began 

You hear my words, but never dig deep
And I only know the little you tell me
Always filtered, always missing the heart behind your words 

You’ve never been easy to understand
Never simple to stand close to either 
I’ve heard you share cruel words with the people who love you
And have watched you choose to always have one foot out of the door 

As kids, you rarely noticed me unless you needed something
I thought time and adulthood would change that
But it didn’t 

You don’t visit anymore
You say this place holds bad memories of your mistakes 
But you don’t invite me over either 
I’ve seen you only twice in the past year
Twice
And each time felt like watching a stranger I’m supposed to know 

Sometimes you hardly feel like family
Sometimes you hardly feel like my brother
Even when you’re here, you’re in the process of leaving 

But then you asked me if I was happy
You said, “That’s what matters”
And in that moment, I knew you cared

But knowing doesn’t make it hurt any less
The lack of you in my life
The longing for a better relationship
And realizing I’ll never have it
I’m holding onto the few times you treated me like a sister 
That’s the brother I miss 
The one who was a part of a family 
Not the one who chose to part from it

But I’ll always answer your phone calls
Because it’s the closest I can get to you

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