Boys

There were boys in my life From the time I was 13 There were boys Secreted away in journals Like some sort of forbidden candy To be written about and savored In a fantasy world all my own And in that same year Slowly but surely they became real In family rooms and movie theaters There clammy hands and inept tongues Reaching out and pushing me into puberty 8th grade Then came high school I was one of the lucky ones I met a boy who would love me And see me through until I was nearly an adult We took each other through through that learning phase We were lovers and best friends He broke my heart And later I broke his He ruined me I didn't know that love would ever fail me Men I would have one great love in college I love him to this day He speaks grandly of art and politics And makes love just the same After that Failure The next would be a man whom I would adore Almost as much as the the drugs we consumed And the beatings I took were only meant to prove his dedication To turning me into the woman he wanted me to be With black eyes and a full heart I aborted his child and moved away with him To prove my love Of course that disintegrated once he went to jail (after I bailed him out a few time of course) Then I met the antitheses A man so gentle he wouldn't say boo to a kitten I clung And he let me But something lingered The drugs And as we waded through mountains of cocaine and denial We got pregnant We had a baby We stayed clean for awhile But old habits die hard And our were ancient and rock solid And one night too much drink and too much drug left us broke and broken He split We split We love our daughter We do our best Then came rehab and a man old enough to be my father Kind and kind of a mess But misery sure do love company And so I stayed for far to long And then the punk rock accountant Who ran me ragged trying to please I wanted to fix my past Make myself real He was going to save me Make me real Undo all the rest But all he did was make me feel like crap About who I was What I was about So on a day when we give thanks I gave out Told him to kick rocks And kick rocks he did And now What now right? Well it turns out for years I have had a man by my side My best friend He has held my hair when I puke Carried me out of the club Offered to deck my boyfriend Tucked me in Held my hand Held me in Held me up And it turns out he loved me all along And it turns out I loved him too Guess I get my happy ending after all