toria vd Poet Free verse

bluebird

I still carry two photos of you,

bluebird.

blue like rot underneath your winter skin
blue like the ocean swallowing moonlight
blue like your soul -
vast,
starving,
but warm enough
that I drowned in it.

I was your robin
robin red.
red like the blood that spills 
down my arms.
red like our anger
red like my love
red like our hearts that kept beating
despite it all.

I knew it was time to leave
the night I looked in the mirror
and saw your hands close around my throat. 
I screamed.
I screamed and cried
like something being slaughtered slowly.

I tore at my face and clawed at my body 
trying to crawl out
before it was too late
too late

too late. 

I remember the night I tried to take my life,
and the night you tried to take yours.
We said the same thing -
"let me go,"
as though we had spent our lives 
dangling over dark water,
each gripping one end 
of the final rope
with blistered hands - 
believing that to loosen our fingers
was the nearest thing to freedom 
either of us would ever know.

I am so terribly afraid without you,
bluebird.

I have never know emptiness 
this enormous.
My mouth is stitched shut.
I am not supposed to speak,
not my turn to talk,
not my turn,
not mine,

no
no.

I see the claws again.
I feel the hands,
again.
grabbing me and choking me
and beating me until
the void is finally filled.

the shaking grows violent.

violent.

violent - 
 
until suddenly

silence.

nothing.

It is gone,
and you are gone,
and I am left alone 
waiting and waiting 
for the pain to arise again.

I see you everywhere
I can not escape
I am afraid
run,
run. 
I run away from you
but towards you
because I miss you
I miss you
I miss you.

My heart aches for you.
You would be disappointed in me
if you had seen what I'd done.
I am sorry
It is not my fault, it is back

It is back
It is not my fault.

Bluebird,
I miss you so terribly much.
I have never loved one like you.

Little bird,
can we fly together?

Bluebird, 
fly with me.

Let's fly over the ocean
up and around the moon
away from the demons
that have fed on us since birth.

Little bird, 
bluebird,

it was time for me to go.
I refuse to let you destroy me
again
again
again.

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