Anxiety
Here it is again
That sudden uneasiness
The alarms are going off in my body
My heart begins to pound
The blood rushes to my head
I can't think clearly
My mind starts to crave safety from something...
In my mind I tell myself, "It's time to go
Time to get away from here"
And I'm not even sure if it's legit, the cause of my fear
But it's there and I can't shake it
I can barely talk
My mouth has become an inadequate tool
An indecisive thing
In the process of speaking I become
a child digging through his alphabet soup with a tongue for a spoon
Rearranging the letters into words
And trying to pick the right one like a victim staring through the glass at the line up
Is it one, two....five, six?
Which one of these will deserve a sentence?
Not knowing what I should say feels like a crime....
And when my words fail I fall into the habit of judging myself for it
I stutter
Skip words
My larynx becomes a boa constrictor wrapping itself around the them and turns my throat into a bottleneck that they can't slip through
Sometimes after having an awkward moment I replay the situation in my head and think I made myself look like a fool
I break out in a sweat
And my body burns with embarrassment
When I'm in public and I feel out of place
I pan my eyes out over the faces in the crowd
Not wanting to simply keep my head down
But at the same time not wanting to maintain eye contact
Not wanting to invite other people's attention or whatever else may be coming
I hint of laughter nearby catches my attention
I look around...
Is that for me?
So much insecurity....
This thing...it causes me to treat people like caution lights and a part of me can't help but feel that it's necessary and that I need to do that but other times I wonder what my life would be like if I wasn't so hesitant to interact
If I could just be easy going and let things flow but I'm too restrained
Too cautious
Too scared to trust myself and be bold or trust those around me because I'm not sure what will happen
Sometimes I wish I could be free from this thing that hinders me
My dear, ever present anxiety
Copyright © Alex Roberson | Year Posted 2015
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