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All Hat and No Cattle

They hung around the beer joint with the finest Western wear
with thumbs tucked in their belt loops and such a studly air.
But those boots weren't made for stirrups and were polished to a sheen,
and on those fancy cowboy hats not a sweat stain could be seen.

You could be sure they hadn't spent much time around a branding pot,
for the only brands they recognized were ones on stuff they bought.
And if they ever passed the time just musing 'bout their spread,
it'd be the one around their middle or the one they put on bread.

Just a bunch of cowboy wannabes in a modern masquerade,
but they drove the biggest pickup trucks that Detroit ever made.
The beds were big and beautiful without a scratch or scuff inside,
'cause the only thing they hauled around was a horse's big backside.

As they stood around outside the joint, in a smart-*** state of mind,
in pulled an ancient pickup with an old horse trailer hitched behind.
The truck an old green Chevy, year 'bout nineteen fifty-nine,
with two high wooden sideboards stacked with hay bales bound with twine.

Out stepped a skinny hombre, with steel-blue eyes and bandy legs,
but he had a rippling six-pack while all the boozers sported kegs.
His cowboy hat was sweat-stained; high-heeled boots were dusty gray;
he kicked off a chunk of cow pie, then he grabbed a bale of hay.

He was mighty parched and dusty, but he wouldn't quench his thirst
'cause you're not an honest cowboy unless you water horses first.
The pack of fools gave out a hoot, yelled "Hey there, Texas Pete!
Get yourself a man-sized truck and take that geezer off the street!"

As he finished with the horses, up walked two ladies smokin' hot.
The cowboy promptly doffed his hat, while the posers there did not.
The cowboy got a long admiring look and the rounders just a sneer,
as the sham was so apparent when a real cowboy was near

They flashed the dusty cowboy a big ol' smile 'bout ten miles wide...
Said "Honey, would a gent like you care to escort us gals inside?"
He winked, then gave the trucks a look and spat a stream of juice.
Said, "Boys, y'all's might be bigger, but mine gets a sight more use."

Copyright © | Year Posted 2013




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Date: 5/8/2016 4:36:00 PM
Congrats on your poem being featured.
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Date: 5/8/2016 11:22:00 AM
That sounds really like a 19th century cowboy talking!! Thanks Roy, for sharing with us this delightful piece!! ;-)
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Date: 6/28/2013 6:29:00 PM
!!!
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Date: 5/22/2013 6:10:00 AM
This is really a great for for YOU! I'm fav'ing it..as to the ABC form for the contest..I double checked with the judge on how he accepts the form as being laid out, MY ABC poem starts with R, S, T, U & ends with any letter and was meant to put forth an emotion. Really this is a much less restrained way to do the form it's a bit boring always starting A,B,C,D..aye?Light & Love
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Date: 4/3/2013 11:09:00 PM
Now this is a REAL cowboy poem,Roy: clever, humorous and honest.. Thanks for spinning a great yarn Hugs, SuZ
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Date: 3/31/2013 7:20:00 PM
Roy, the real cowboy doesn't have a lot of time to be pretentious.... What with havin' to take care of 15000 acres of ranch land and keepin' his eyes on those 6 or8 rigs runnin' on his spread... A hard workin' man don't need to show off.... Great write, Roy...... Jake
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Date: 3/27/2013 3:38:00 PM
What a great story teller you are!! loved your twist on the cowboy......they aren't real cowboys until their boots have stepped in manure for many years!! :)
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Date: 3/19/2013 10:02:00 AM
Hi Roy, Great poem, loved reading this, very well done, Thanks for comment left on my effort, Take care Regards Richard. ps; is this for the willd west contest, if so please contact me
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Jerden Avatar
Roy Jerden
Date: 3/21/2013 9:50:00 AM
Thanks Richard. No, this one's not eligible for that contest, which requires a new poem and free verse format. Real Cowboy poetry should never be free verse anyway.
Date: 3/7/2013 8:10:00 AM
Roy great cowboy poem...David
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Date: 3/4/2013 11:56:00 AM
Interesting work..Sara
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Date: 3/4/2013 8:40:00 AM
Tremendous write. Loved it. Congrats on the win.
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Date: 2/28/2013 3:34:00 PM
Now how in the heck did I ever manage to overlook this stuff of yours sir?...I'm a transplanted swamp-rat-wanna-be living in South Lousianne but you just can't copy the real thing, huh? (I try though) and yep, big is little if you don't know how to use it...
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Date: 2/28/2013 3:12:00 PM
Congrats, Roy. Outstanding. Nice going. Ralph
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Date: 2/27/2013 10:05:00 PM
nice winning poem~ PD
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Date: 2/27/2013 10:22:00 AM
Love that last line it s a stunner Roy , the whole thing is very enjoyable xx
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Date: 2/22/2013 10:45:00 PM
I especially like the end. I agree that cowboyin' is a lot of work and hard on stuff. I can't belive how much that wannabe stuff costs; they'd be afraid to get dust on it. Great job penning this poem.
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Date: 2/18/2013 1:15:00 PM
Oh my gosh...I lived every second of this!!! Wonderful
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Date: 2/17/2013 11:20:00 AM
Roy well done I like it...David
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