A Narrative of Life

On this morning after the dogs have been fed and run around the yard barking at the crows and squirrels as they find the morning treats I have left them, the sunflower seeds the corn the peanuts They are quiet now the flurry of noise and feathers caws screeches Did you know squirrels talk, they complain they let you know when breakfast comes. I thought it was the birds, but the squirrels sit by the tree branch and wait for their nuts. They have become taskmasters and I rebel in the evening, then they are on their own. We all are in the end. I have grown so tired that there is a part of me that wants a sleeping peace. My husband is restless I can feel it and see it, I cannot condemn him for it. I think he flirts when he is around women who are caretakers, he never flirted, it was not in his nature, an engineer. But I was the caretaker. Four long years of open brain surgery, chemo radiation chemo infections infusions and now my bones have become fragile. Four years of doctors looking at pictures showing me my strange white and gray matter squiggly brain, an ugly creature with so much power to rage through life, good and bad. And now the bones are in revolt. They want more MRIs and labs and blood drawn, X-rays and I am beyond tired. We all are. Cancer in the body can be living ongoing master, there are some medicines now being advertised on the early morning and late night shows. Places where people sit watching shows because they are too weary to begin the day they once knew. Seeing happy usually women playing with their grandchildren because one med keeps them alive longer and they hold their husbands hands and look at the sky. And the prescription masters get their money. I wonder about these happy people. The doctors are cheery when I see them pleased at the work they have done and are willing to do. They smile and I smile slightly thinking deep into my mind, let me go. And my husband cannot look. Computer games filled with monsters from other worlds and weapons, there he finds solace. It makes sense. The sky a brilliant blue or shady fog gray and is lovely, the bright stars at night near a smiling moon and the hooting of owls at 3am, life living. I hear it. I have trained my dogs with treats, swirling, fist bumps, sit, sit pretty, stay, up down. But I notice they are watching me more sitting near me with their eyes focused or jumping on the sofa laying by me. They are getting older and I cannot forsake them. Though my husband cares for them too, there is that. They would be alright I think. I wonder if they feel the deep tiredness in my blood. The insanity of our President and his people does not help, i pray that he will leave quickly. There is that hope, Poor Nancy. But I can no longer watch his sickness, his cruelty and all the children in cages and families that sought refuge, the attacks on the earth, the greed for money. What mindless men there are in the world. I have to remember all of the kindness we see trying to undo their evil. And I am so tired.. And there it is my living world now, if the injection helps the pain for awhile I will go spend time with Vision Quest and my friend the elephant. I am loosing weight finally after all the meds so I hope to see myself again and i leave the homeless veterans at their lunch with food for their dogs and cats and leashes and raincoats for the winter It is coming. But these are never ending tasks and I worked with the Public Health and Navy and homeless for years, they need large housing for people who are disabled, they need helpers, long ago they were thrown out and now they live under bridges. The women live with their pit bulls to feel safe. And I am too tired to fight for them, fight for the earth, go to meetings, I send my 25 dollars when I can. And I grow more and more weary hoping only to see my old elephant friend who has lived in a circus now in a sanctuary and tolerates my yams and carrots as i pet him and scratch his shoulder. I am drooping from the sadness of the world and I pray for the young. Do not pity me. pray for the earth for the young. fight for life fight for the soul.