A letter you wont send
A letter you won't send.. (a poem by ghd)
Dear R,
It's the day after my birthday
And two, since we officially gave up on each other.
I just woke up from a dream of you
having feelings for someone else
Even worse, she was my friend.
ChatGPT says it might mean I have lingering feelings for you,
But I don’t even know.
I know things between us never ended as well as they could,
And I regret the things I said and did.
I never wanted you out of my life.
I never want you to hate me more than you love me.
I just knew I wasn’t going to be able
to give you what you deserve
which wasn’t me,
but better.
I’m sorry I said that kiss didn’t feel like anything.
Or that I’d get over my feelings.
I did feel something, actually. I felt so much that it was scary,
because feeling means being vulnerable,
And I’ll never allow that.
I heard you telling people I was obsessed with you,
and we know that’s not true
because I would never allow myself that.
And yet… why lie?
I know I’m one of the most disgusting things to walk this earth,
But I’m truly sorry.
I’m sorry for not trying as hard as you to love me back,
Sorry for pushing your feelings away
because I didn’t want to get hurt.
I’m sorry for not being able to give you all of me,
as you said you wanted.
I just couldn’t,
because giving all of me
would mean feeling things I’m too scared to feel.
I’m sorry I didn’t take that risk.
I think I realize why I kissed you that night
It wasn’t for clarification.
It was so you could remember me,
because the thought of you forgetting me hurts.
And my writing this isn’t to make myself feel better;
It does the opposite,
because it really shows me
How much I hurt you
trying to protect myself.
I guess this is just my way of hoping
I get those flowers you promised
for my next birthday
whether from you or not.
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