A Letter Not Delivered
I don't think about you in everything I do like I used to.
But a part of me still holds on one year later.
With memory of glassy eyes on top of the parking garage
I laid down in your lap, looking up and feeling the seatbelt dig into my back.
I didn't care, because your hands were holding me and tears were melting down from your face meeting my messy hair.
I felt it though.
Digging further in.
Bruising pressure.
Imprinting in my skin.
I ignored it as you asked me to stay.
I ignored it as you told me things would change.
I ignored it as you said you had never felt this way.
I was ready in myself.
I could've jumped that night and been at peace,
And you were almost going to let me.
But then you begged and pulled and pleaded, not wanting me to go.
How selfish of you
Acting as if you loved me
Pretending and putting on this show
I came back for you again
History repeats itself, haven't you heard?
...I should have jumped that night.
You were poison and
By now
By now I should have learned
One month went by
And we ended up at that same very spot
Overlooking city lights
You held my hand all the way to the edge
My toes curled, gripping onto what balance I had left
Now you say you're sorry
But you told me I was safe
Lies lap around your lips
You're the one who pushed me to this grave.
You try to apologize
Swearing you're going to make things right
But you can't take back the water That fell like glaciers from my eyes
You can't take back the whispers
All those talks late at night
...You can't take back those words That slithered from your tongue
That tempted and persuaded
Braided the rope from which I hung
And you cannot take back those letters
Because I set them all on fire
I watched them go up in flames
But darling, the words you wrote,
They're still burning in my brain
When I hear your name in passing
At first my chest tightens up
My face looks flushed
And my palms get sweaty
My stomach is in a knot
And my heart gets heavy
I don't know when I'll finally be able to go a day
Without you crossing my mind
I spend my life in the fires that burn but do not consume
And even though you sent me through hell
I hope you're getting through this better than I am...
I hope you're doing well.
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