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A Day In School, Thru Autistic Eyes

alarm goes off* I sit straight up startled and scared Just my alarm, I hit the button Get up and go to the bathroom I brush my teeth with my toothbrush Scratchy, painful bristles Toothpaste that makes me sick With the strong mint flavor Back to my room going thru clothes Too scratchy, too tight, too bright They all hurt in some way I grab my favorite dark red, smooth and loose Then some shorts, jeans hurt too much Mom calls me for breakfast so I go down Eggs and bacon with a piece of bread I grab the bacon least crunchy possible The eggs are fluffy and not runny The bread I spread a little grape jelly After I eat it’s grab my bag and off to the bus Here comes the bus, eye searing yellow Lights flashing, engine roaring doors opening with a hiss it's empty for now, but that will change soon it is full, screaming and yelling, jumping, running, throwing, and banging windows i hold my ears and close my eyes it's too much, it's too much i repeat my silent mantra over and over Until we finally get to the school i jump up and rush forward first one off behind me they start pushing and shoving more yelling and backpacks swinging i get inside and go straight to the cafeteria sit at my class table and wait the lights above are buzzing and bright kids are talking, loud and fast yet i sit alone in a crowd no friends around me even in my class i'm too weird they say, i'm strange i flap my hands and rock in place make weird noises, and like odd things again i sit hands over my ears eyes closed tight wishing it all to end suddenly a teacher appears at my side she grabs my arm and pulls me aside "what's wrong with you?" she asks "it's too loud" i reply "it's too bright" she looks down at me and sneers "why cant you be like johnny over there" she points across the room "he laughs and talks and the noise doesn't bother him" she takes me back and sits me down And then just walks away finally my teacher comes we get up and file off, orderly and straight down the hall to our classroom there we go to our desks hang our backpacks on our chairs screeching chairs, banging desks, rustling clothes buzzing lights, voices, bright colors smells of soap, people, chalk, and paper teachers says we start with science again screeching, banging, zippers opening books slamming against desks pages turning, chalk clicking it is so loud teacher starts the lesson yet i am unable to focus all i hear is buzzzzz, rustle, rustle squeak, screech, groan, sigh lights, clothes, shoes, chairs, kids it is all i can hear suddenly my name rings out The teachers asks me what she just said And I sit unable to answer Breath starts coming faster Walls feel like they are closing in Everyone is looking at me And I just want to disappear Finally she calls on another kid and he answers Back to me she says "Now why can't you focus like Billy here" Time goes by and suddenly A bomb goes off, in my head Sound everywhere ears and head in pain Lights are flashing behind my eyes It is the bell going off for lunch In the cafeteria again The 2nd worst place in school Kids jostling and pushing thru the line Registers clanging, lots of kids talking Yelling, screaming, and throwing things Finally this torture ends and back to class At the door the teacher pulls me from the line "Look at me" she insists I bring my eyes to her stomach "In my eyes, why is that so hard" I look up into her eyes It feels like I am being swallowed whole Breath starts racing again and coming hard Feels like a fire is lit behind my eyes I quickly look away again She starts in about concentrating in class And acting more like the other kids "If you would just be more like Cindy and look at people You could actually make some friends" As if I haven't tried She doesn't understand, no one does I'm alone, a freak, a weirdo they say Who would want me The rest of the day passes, in a blur As I withdraw from all the world Finally the day draws to an end Off to the bus we head A long ride home loud and raucous I sit holding it all in Almost there can't let it slip now Finally I see it, my stop up ahead My mom is standing waiting for me I get off but I can't say anything She looks worried I know she can tell We walk home in silence We get to the door I go to my room And. It. All. Explodes Screaming, yelling, throwing things Tearing at myself tooth and nail Can't stop it, though it hurts But yet not as much as when kept in Suddenly I feel them Her arms wrapped around me Holding me, stopping me from hurting myself more As I sit, everything pours out All the things that happened today As I am safe in my mothers arms As I finish and I start to calm She looks at me and says "I have no son named Johnny or Billy. Nor a daughter named Cindy. I have an amazing son named Andrew, and he is a person all his own. Don't be them, just be you." She holds me tight as I fully calm She tells me she loves just the way I am Yet I hear the hitch in her voice I know she loves me but something isn't right As I look down at her arms I see the marks imprinted there I know I caused them and I hurt more I hate myself and I hate this I don't understand Why can't I be like everyone else I can't keep going like this I pull away and tell her I'm sorry I go to my bed and pull the cover over my head She tells me it's alright She knows I don't mean to But I say nothing and she leaves As I lay there exhausted and tired I feel myself drifting as sleep creeps up I wish tomorrow would never come Then I hope that if it does I have the strength to do better And make mommy proud of me As I fall asleep, and darkness envelops me.

Copyright © | Year Posted 2018

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Date: 1/10/2019 1:01:00 PM
Hello Andrew, you have the way you are. A sickness,that needs help from a doctor. A doctor that deals with this condition,is the one to help a person with this illness. You also had the wrong teacher. That did not help either. I wish you the best. A friend to you. have a nice day my friend.
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Date: 12/11/2018 8:36:00 PM
Andrew you were meant to write, and tell this story, and give it to teachers, and teach them. I think this needs to be shared with EVERYONE. I am a teacher, and it has taught me. I am yelling BRAVO for this one. I had dyslexia as a child and grew up not knowing that.
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Krutsinger Avatar
Caren Krutsinger
Date: 12/11/2018 8:37:00 PM
Oh, great, Jan and I had the same mind here, both yelling BRAVO!
Date: 12/6/2018 5:35:00 AM
Oh Brett I have tears reading this, I worked in a high school for 16 years working mainly with aspergers students, your poem describes so vividly what it is like to live with and how you struggle to cope with total sensory overload . This poem should be sent to an autism association and published worldwide so people can understand some of the difficulties you deal with on a daily basis. Poem of the year for me BRAVO! :-) hugs Jan xx
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Ellis Avatar
Andrew Ellis
Date: 12/6/2018 6:04:00 AM
Thank you very much for your kind words here. And thank you for the work you did with them, I'm sure it meant a lot.