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A Birthday Letter

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Well now this is sad and tragic 
For both of us to hear 
You and I at cross purposes 
Ever our fate, my Dear

I just found your correspondence
Last letter that you sent 
It was, I think, the final time 
That you called me a friend 

It was in a pile of papers 
From my old mother’s house 
With other cards and notes you gave 
Back when we were devout 

I will use these words to explain 
In a way you’ll never see 
That this miscommunication 
Gave a wrong view of me 

You sent it at a year or so 
After we were finished 
Within its words I sense your hope 
Love not yet diminished 

I think you may have mentioned it
After you came back home
When I once tried to talk but you
Walked by and wouldn't slow

A mutual friend spoke of it 
Some two decades ago 
And I was mystified because 
I simply didn’t know 

I didn’t recall the letter 
Forgotten its receipt 
But when I found and read its words
I recalled its described deeds 

Your letter was at my mother’s 
‘Cause I was hurt so bad 
Surgery and medications
With healing to be had

Received it at my college house
Held tight in my clutches
I tore open with alacrity
Falling from my crutches

I read part of your note that day
Stuck it in my duffel
Packed your other notes and cards
Then off to hospital

Brought it with your other writings
To give me some comfort
As I would just be sitting long
'Til I was recovered

And after the operation
Sitting up late at night 
Unable to sleep sound because 
Meds made my heartbeat slight 

I recall being sad one eve
In Mother's modest home 
Watching her little poor TV 
Reviewing your slim tomes 

In your letter, amazing lands!
And magical far places!
And one hundred mile per hour 
Motorcycle chases!

Such experiences you had all 
Through Europe’s bevelled plains! 
But I in healing poverty 
Felt sore lament and pain 

I could not join you there, at least
Not for several years 
Did you even want me to try? 
You couldn’t know that fear 

Your family was very wealthy 
It’s hard for you to see 
The lowly circumstances 
That were the start of me 

You never knew how bad it felt 
My inadequacy 
To give you that magnificence 
That you deserved to be 

Poor upbringing was no problem
For your generous heart 
You never held it against me 
Never pushed us apart 

But it caused misunderstandings 
From worlds so different 
And my worries about it too 
Increased how much it meant 

Your year away almost over 
You soon were coming back 
I was thinking about renewal
And fixing what I lacked 

I read your letter ‘til I saw 
Your plans a year away 
When you said with hopefulness 
You might move there to stay 

That is on the note's second page
I never read page three 
‘Cause that's the point I thought I knew 
That you were lost to me 

That line tore open scars I'd grown
To cover up my thought
In saddened anger when you said
Long plans were all for naught

This point had always burned and caused
Lost confident self-worth
I feared you'd put me to the side
For accidents of birth

But if I'd read a bit further 
For a lover's redress 
Was hid a slight request you made 
In false casualness 

You sought a call for an event
Bare affection from me 
The letter asked for that small sign 
Of simple courtesy

The call never came to you on
Your twenty-first birthday
I can see your astonishment
At disregard that way

How could a boy you had loved so
Selflessly and so much
Avoid that solitary act
And chance to keep in touch?

You were badly hurt thereafter 
There was no getting through 
Your broken heart gave a verdict
And that's when I lost you  

My Precious Girl, I’d have called you 
There’s no way I wouldn’t 
Healing slow on a pleather couch 
There's no way I couldn't 

Like truth serum the meds would have 
Sucked away all my fight 
I’d have called you...so so quickly 
I’d have called you...ev’ry night 

I used to wish for your number 
I was so ready too 
I’d been pondering what we’d had 
And I still wanted you 

It’s a tragedy in our lives 
As that was your last sign 
Of my lack of real love for you 
And fickle boyish mind 

It rankles so much in me now
Since that's not how it was
It’s just one of those fateful things 
God’s little joke on us 

A Happy Belated Birthday 
For now and all your life 
I wish you joyous contentment 
And love that’s free from strife 

But I know something deeply in 
My bones and in my soul 
I know I would have called you if 
I’d read your letter full 

And I’d have wished you way back then 
A Happy Birthday too 
And I’d have told you on that call 
How much I still loved you

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