Isaiah Zerbst Poet Choka

A Beautiful Moment- Rewrite

Here is the original in quatrain form:    

       A swan did sail so gracefully
       Around a crystal lake
       Such whiteness pure I ne'er did see
       It almost could be fake

       What peaceful calm, what portrait clear
       'Tis heav'n on earth I see
       If only I could linger here 
       For all eternity

  And here is the rewrite:

      A swan sailed about
      Gracefully on a clear lake
      White plumage shining brightly.
      A moment of peace
      A crystal portrait of calm
      A glimpse of heaven on earth.
      If only it could
      Remain this way forever
      Unbroken by passing time.

♡Like0

Share Poem

---

Post Comments

Poetrysoup is an environment of encouragement and growth so only provide specific positive comments that indicate what you appreciate about the poem. Negative comments will result your account being banned.

Please Login to post a comment

Poet Destroyer A May 1, 2013 at 6:04 PM Isaiah, Congratulations :-) In Debbie's "Metamorph" contest. always~ PD

Abdulhafeez Oyewole April 28, 2013 at 10:03 AM Congrats on your win Isaiah~A.O

Andrea Dietrich April 28, 2013 at 12:42 AM Hey, I see you won Deb's contest. Way to go. I just liked both poems equally well!!!

Debbie Guzzi April 25, 2013 at 3:55 PM Congrad's on your win. Light & Love

Mandy Tams The Golden Girl April 25, 2013 at 10:21 AM Many congratulations Isaiah , well done xx

Heather Ober March 28, 2013 at 7:53 AM Awesome job with this contest, Isaiah! I can't decide which version I like better. I am particularly taken with the line: "A crystal portrait of calm."

Ilene Bauer March 27, 2013 at 4:01 PM as a rhymer, i'm partial to the first version, which is pretty close to perfect . however, i like the rewrite, too and can see how some would prefer it (but not me!). it's an interesting exercise, though...

Charmaine Chircop March 27, 2013 at 12:10 PM I love both versions..i love the ending of your rewrite better and i love the use of the word plumage : )to my favs

Suzanne Delaney March 27, 2013 at 11:58 AM It is lovely to play with words and it is true. Some forms give magic to a story and an exercise like this is probably worth doing with every poem we have to be certain we have found the right form as it works on the brain at different levels. It is also a good exercise to try and rewrite a famous poem and capture the essence of the original poet. Well done Isiah...I really like reading your work. Hugs, SuZ

Russell Sivey March 27, 2013 at 9:40 AM This is a fantastic transformation from one poem to the other! I really enjoyed reading the revised poem and comparing it to the original! You have done awesomely with this piece, what a delightful poem, Great work!!