Postcard - High Critique wanted

Posted by Riley Emerson on 9/7/2025 11:46:07 AM

How can I improve this?

Soon it is going to rain
There are grey clouds in the sky
I'm thinking about the pleasure I'd gain
If I moved to a place where it's sunny all day,
I'm packing bags and boxes; I'm leaving today.
 
I like to drive on dirt roads in my vintage Ford
The view of the greenery is simply fine scenery,
But my home isn't here anymore
It's now a place where I used to live before
I'm unable to say goodbye; the image blurs as I cry.
 
I set up camp in the desert outside of LA
For it never rains there,
But I've come to understand, it's a dry wasteland
Nothing but hot sun, dust and sand.
 
Some claim it's great in California
But I still think of good Georgia,
I want to return to the East Coast
To the place I lived before and love the most
So I'm going back to where I belong
Where I should have stayed all along.
 
It doesn't rain every afternoon
It only seems so in my mind,
A clear blue sky is what I see,
The sun is shining down on me,
The weather-forecast is storm free.
 
I also see the cornfields and the grass
As I drive past on this familiar dirt road
That leads to my beloved abode,
My home is in a forest of pine
I am grateful that it is mine.

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Replies

Comment by Michele Fermanis-Winward on 9/7/2025 4:18:00 PM

Just an idea. To reduce the prose and pull it tighter. Play with the tense and seek the rhythm within each line rather than strict end rhyme. Enjoy. Soon it will rain grey clouds are in the sky I think about the pleasure of a place where it's sunny all day my bags are packed and I'm leaving today.

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