Poem for critique: I met my younger self today (Jack 155)

I met my younger self today

He insisted it was at the pub

He needed to be comfy and had much to say

I declined his offer of a pint

Declaring I’m good with the water, thanks anyway

He insisted, come on have a beer, it’s what we do

I told him, one day he will know, he lives in the darkness of extreme

I remind him of the expression of two ears and one mouth

Wishing him mindful awareness, that might cure his deafness

He told me stories that I already know, saying it’s all just about fun

I spoke about all the untold waste, not just of time and money

But of lost days and unexplored capability, potential and provision

I looked my younger self firmly in the eyes

I explained that life shouldn’t be about regrets

But there will be what if’s, maybe’s and I wonder’s

I know he hadn’t heard me, there certainly wasn’t any thank you

I just smiled, knowing that sometime in the future

He will say

I wished I’d met you earlier

tonybpoetry

Thanks Tony, I should have expressed myself better. I understand the situation. I might choose orange juice or lemonade is all I meant. As a youngster would it have affected how you felt with your companion drinking water? It was just something that struck me as I was reading.

Annabel, it is nice that you liked the poem. In response to the two points that you made, the last two lines could really have formed one line, I split it to try and promote a pause before stating what he would say. With regard to drinking water in a pub. The poem was set in a pub because that was the very regular environment of my younger self, I have been sober for nearly twelve years now and water is pretty much all I drink when I am out. It probably is unusual to drink water in pubs but I am comfortable with it and respect others who can handle drink rather than be dictated to by it. Once again, thank you. Tony

Florin, thank you for your constructive feedback. I can see and appreciate your comment regarding a conversational tone. It was written in an honest moment of self reflective regret. I like your advice of "not with more words but with deeper ones." It made me think of painting shadows to allow the reader to determine what cast the shadows. Tony.

I really like it. I think it's clever. I find the line "He will say" too short. Is it unusual to be drinking water in a pub?

This poem has a strong and beautiful idea: meeting your younger self and trying to warn him, guide him. It’s something many of us wish we could do. The setting, the pub, feels honest and grounded and the message is clear: youth often doesn’t listen, and wisdom often comes too late. Still, the way it’s written feels more like a conversation than a poem. The tone is very direct, almost like giving advice; and because of that, some of the emotion gets lost. A good poem should make the reader feel the pain, the regret, the hope — not just hear about it. It reminds me a little of Bukowski, who also wrote about bars and rough moments, but when he did, his pain was hidden under simple images and raw feelings, not explained so directly. Or of Cavafy, who wrote about people realizing too late what they lost, but he let the silence speak louder than the words. The last part of your poem: “I just smiled… I wished I’d met you earlier” is the strongest. It’s quiet, sad, and full of meaning. That line alone feels like a whole life. I think if the rest of the poem were written more like that, fewer explanations, more feeling and image, it would be even more powerful. There’s something special in this piece. You’ve planted a good seed. Now let it grow: not with more words, but with deeper ones. With sincerity & hope, Florin Lacatus