Loneliness

Your opening line, “A sunset born out of winter charity,” holds a beautiful tension: a fragile light between cold and warmth. Yet, it feels somewhat vague, leaving the reader unsure whether the image is meant to warm or to confuse. Clarifying this could help the poem’s heart beat more clearly. The phrase “Two hearts sweating at the thought of monotony” is vivid, but the metaphor feels a little off, since hearts don’t literally sweat. Bodies does. This makes the line stumble, rather than reveal the inner struggle you want to show. A more grounded, sharper image might give the emotion more power. When you ask, “Was it a betrayal too close to home?” the question raises tension, but it seems to float without enough context or detail to anchor it. Adding some concrete texture could help the reader connect deeply with this moment. The final image, “Roses divorced of thorns in a sea built on the tears of a bride with no filter,” offers many symbols, but their combination feels heavy and a bit forced. The phrase “with no filter” feels modern and casual, which interrupts the solemn mood. Simplifying or rethinking this could restore the poem’s tone. Overall, your poem shows a strong desire to capture feelings of monotony, betrayal, and sorrow. With more clarity and sharper, more honest images, your words could carry this yearning with greater impact and honesty. Keep shaping the raw edges, there’s a powerful voice ready to emerge. With hope & sincerity, Florin Lacatus