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Thanks Jeanette, will work on it. I wasn't sure about it but I'll persevere. Thanks for the suggestions, and for Trina's as well. I was thinking of Lindy Chamberlain and Kathryn Folbigg when I wrote this, which explains some of the lines.
Hi Annabel, Shades of Chaucer spring to mind with the topic and structure. As a reader I would like a little more punctuation eg, 'a plan to kill police' -> 'a plan to kill, police did track.' When you edit and add content (as per Trina's comment), you may like to focus on replacing some generic words/ phrases and repeated words/phrases (except where they build such as 'I'm innocent.'): this, the, they. Changing the verbs can also add imagery. eg. 'think on this '-> contemplate/ rhyme change 'justice for the dinner-plate' eg. The jury truly understood/ her bitter pickings in the wood
Thanks r d it’s not meant to be comedic at all, but I was concerned about the suitability of the topic for the form so thanks for making that comment.
Interesting puts a mild didactic comedic mask over a tragic one. The cadence tends to carry through but perhaps a few syllabic stress changes may extend lines beyond a schemed poetic life. Fun thank you
Thanks very much for your comment. Much appreciated. :) Actually, because of the strict rhyming scheme, the last line is decided by the first line in that stanza - so the whole verse would need to be changed in order to change the last line. It's something to think about though. Thank you again. I'm glad you like it.
"But justice is as justice does" powerful line. This is a great poem, but your ending didn't do this masterpiece justice. Last line is not as strong as the rest of your poem but I really enjoy it. 😊
I wrote this as a challenge for a contest so I was concerned about the rules - but not too much. Thanks for your comment.
Ah the Australian mushroom woman. You tell the tale very well to those who are in the know. I write poetry personally without worrying about the patterns it's formed in. Poetry should flow as it is formed from your imagination. It is expression. Why do we need to put rules to everything?
Thanks Trina, that's useful and I'll give your suggestion a go.
Thanks Chetta, nice to have that feedback. I couldn't change the word "accident" because that is just what she said.
Topical piece for sure. I think it flows well. However, you could have experimented a bit more with the language. I understand you were trying to adhere to the contest requirements. "Packs a deadly punch"... "We pray the truth" ... "But justice is as justice does" ... Some of the language seems dull to me. Push yourself to try more novel ways of expressing the same ideas. You might find some gems and some rocks, too, but keeping a word/line journal has helped me with this. All the best, fellow writer!
For me true rhyme is tough to do. I prefer off rhyme, also called slant rhyme or imperfect rhyme. Off rhyme are words in which vowel sounds or consonant sounds are the same in each word. Your words accident and innocent are off rhyme because the consonants c, n. and t (consonance), well as the e and i (assonance) sounds are in each word. When looking for true rhyme I use Rhyme Zone. https://www.rhymezone.com/ I think your poem was well crafted and, in my opinion, your use of off rhyme did not hinder the flow of the poem..
Thanks Mike. I did wonder about the rhyme with 'innocence". I guess this is where the constraints of form clash with meaning.
I like the ending and like the term, "story" carried throughout the poem. The words "accident" and "innocent" don't rhyme well for me. "Incident" and "innocent" seem to rhyme better. I always say good rhyming is hard to do. I like the line, But justice is as justice does." Good story telling in the poem.
