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Alberts Return

 You've `eard `ow young Albert Ramsbottom 
At the zoo up at Blackpool one year 
With a stick with an `orse's `ead `andle
Gave a lion a poke in the ear? 

The name of the lion was Wallace, 
The poke in the ear made `im wild 
And before you could say "Bob's yer uncle" 
E'd upped and `e'd swallowed the child.
`E were sorry the moment `e done it; With children `e'd always been chums, And besides, `e'd no teeth in his muzzle, And `e couldn't chew Albert on't gums.
`E could feel the lad movin' inside `im As `e lay on `is bed of dried ferns; And it might `ave been little lad's birthday- E wished `im such `appy returns.
But Albert kept kickin' and fightin'- And Wallace got up, feelin' bad.
Decided 'twere time that `e started To stage a comeback for the lad.
Then puttin' `ead down in one corner, On `is front paws `e started to walk; And `e coughed, and `e sneezed, and `e gargled `Till Albert shot out - like a cork! Now Wallace felt better directly And `is figure once more became lean.
But the only difference with Albert Was, `is face and `is `ands were quite clean.
Meanwhile Mr.
and Mrs.
Ramsbottom `Ad gone back to their tea, feelin' blue.
Ma said, "I feel down in the mouth, like.
" Pa said, "Aye, I bet Albert does, too.
" Said Mother, "It just goes to show yer That the future is never revealed; If I'd thowt we was goin' to lose `im, I'd `ave not `ad `is boots soled and `eeled.
" "Let's look on the bright side," said Father, "Wot can't be `elped must be endured; Each cloud `as a silvery lining, And we did `ave young Albert insured.
" A knock on the door came that moment As Father these kind words did speak.
`Twas the man from Prudential - `e'd come for Their tuppence per person per week.
When Father saw `oo `ad been knockin', `E laughed, and `e kept laughin` so - The man said "`Ere, wot's there to laugh at?" Pa said "You'll laugh and all when you know!" "Excuse `im for laughing," said Mother, "But really, things `appen so strange - Our Albert's been et by a lion; You've got to pay us for a change!" Said the young man from the Prudential: "Now, come, come, let's understand this- You don't mean to say that you've lost `im?" Pa said "Oh, no, we know where `e is!" When the young man `ad `eard all the details, A purse from `is pocket he drew And `e paid them with interest and bonus The sum of nine pounds, four and two.
Pa `ad scarce got `is `and on the money When a face at the window they see- And Mother cried "Eee, look, it's Albert!" And Father said "Aye, it would be.
" Albert came in all excited, And started `is story to give; And Pa said "I'll never trust lions Again, not as long as I live.
" The young man from the Prudential To pick up the money began But Father said "`ere, wait a moment, Don't be in a `urry, young man.
" Then giving young Albert a shilling, `E said "`Ere, pop off back to the zoo; Get your stick with the `orse's `ead `andle- Go and see wot the tigers can do!"

Poem by Marriott Edgar
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