Ugly
We all have our days whenever our ego lets us down.
the scabs come off, the pain is fresh
I'll wait for it to heal again
I want to stay inside to protect myself, I can't let anyone see me
I hate everyone (no, I don't), I want to kill myself, (no, I don't)
no one will ever love me again (maybe).
I can blow up, but can't.
I can scream, but can't.
I want to release my anger, but can't.
Who? Who will help me?
(no one)
I try to pull every strand of my hair. I try to relax by listening to sad music, I can't seem to motivate myself, my hobbies seem to bore me, my anxiety keeps attacking my bones. ***
I try to sleep at 2:34 am, my eyes feel light. I try to masturbate, but I just wasn't feeling it. I decide to go for a walk around the block, perhaps downtown, I leave my room and go outside for the exciting journey. Wearing two jackets, I feel warm, but the breeze hits and hits my face. No one is driving their cars, all stores are closed, even the homeless is nowhere to be seen, I can only seem to hear my footsteps and my breathing. What am I doing? I should be sleeping right now, what if a cop stops me? What if I get robbed or worse? I started to walk back to my house.
6 blocks away, it's 3:10 am; hell of a night. I feel so tired I can sleep on the sidewalk, I want to sleep on the sidewalk. I arrived, went to my room, and I fell down to the floor, not even near my bed, it hurts, but I don't care, I only wanted to rest.
I woke up with a blanket covering me. I had a strange dream, but I forgot about it seconds later. The sound of my neighbor yelling at his daughter woke me up again, I felt bad, too early to feel bad.
I made coffee because I'm too lazy to get into my car to buy coffee. I'm glad I got good sleep, I wasn't myself last night, I hate it when that shit happens.
I was drinking my second cup of black coffee ( I was out of creamer). The neighbor kept yelling and shouting, it's 9:50 am, what the hell is that guy's deal? should I call the cops? pssssh, the cops!? nah, why call them if I could go there myself, I quickly finish my coffee, slightly burning my tongue.
I go outside, it's still cold so I go back inside for my jackets. I walk towards the neighbors house, the yelling gets louder every step I take. I knock on the door.
"Hello, is everything okay in there" I said.
"It's fine officer, just blowing some steam off that's all." The neighbor said nervously.
"I'm not a cop, I'm your neighbor next door, you know...the one who takes walks at night." I said regretting what I said.
The neighbor opens the door, smoking a cigarette with stubble on his face.
"Oh, it's you... what do you want?" he said with a stronger tone than before.
"I just wanted to make sure if everything's okay in there, you woke me up from all the yelling you were doing, so-." My neighbor cut me off.
"Everything is fine here, just a bit of a situation, and I suggest you stay out of it." He said while letting the smoke out of his lungs.
"Okay that's fair, is she ok at least?" I said with concern.
"Who? My daughter? that's none of your business boy." He said getting more frustrated.
"Look. I just want to know if she's okay, or else I'm gonna have to call the cops." I said
"I said to mine your own damn business, my family shouldn't be any concern of yours, you better watch that attitude of yours." he said
After that he went back inside. I was worried for that poor girl, I went back inside to eat breakfast and to get ready for my class.
a several hours have past, and there wasn't any yelling since then. I finished whatever I needed to do for school and decided to go for a bike ride.
As I was getting my bike, I started to check the tire pressure. When I was done I rode by the neighbors house and I notice his car wasn't there, where does this man go? a bar? the strip club? both? Who knew, I wanted to check on his daughter to make sure she's okay, I approached the door and rang the doorbell. I waited but no answer, he probably took her with him I'd imagine. I turn around and walk away, I got on my bike, but as I was about to ride, I notice the curtains moving, is it her, I wondered? Is she scared? I guess that guy isn't a bad father after all, telling your kid to not open the door to strangers and such. I should probably leave her alone, I couldn't.
I rang the door again, no answer, again, no answer. I yelled to her.
"You don't have to be afraid, I won't hurt you I promise." I said feeling icky.
I sound like a predator trying to lure a child out, this looks so bad. After a few seconds, the doorknob moves, and the door is opening...I notice that she isn't small, she's about the same height as me, and she looked "mature," I expected to be a small child, not someone like me.
"Um... hey, are you ok?" I said surprised.
"Oh, do I know you?" The girl said
"No, you don't know me, but I'm your neighbor next door, I'd been hearing your dad yelling and shouting in the morning and I just wanted to make sure you're ok." I said
***
"Oh yeah... so you were the person who my dad chased away haha, well, I'm all right, that's just how my dad acts sometimes." she said." Sure, he does act like such an asshole to me sometimes, but I still love him, I have no one else."
"Ok, well just be careful-umm." I said while trying to remember her name.
"It's Jennifer, but I'd rather go by Jenny." she said expressively.
"Well ok Jenny, take care of yourself, if you need to talk I'm right next door." I said feeling concerned.
"what's your name?" she said
"My name is Erik." I said " I gotta go now, I'm worried your dad will come home and kill me so, later."
"Bye." she said faintly.
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