TRUAMA
TRUAMA
I SIT IN A WAITING CELL TO GET PROCESSED AND SENT TO MY LIVING CHAMBERS
NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES I GO THROUGH THESE MOTIONS, IT ALWAYS FEELS LIKE THE FIRST TIME
THE FEAR, THE WORRY, THAT GUT FEELING THAT SOMETHING BAD IS COMING, YOU NEVER GET USED TO IT.
I CAN FEEL THE DEMONS AND THE BAD ENERGY LIKE A THICK FOG ALL AROUND ME.
THE MOMENT I STEP FOOT ON THE CELLBLOCK, IT GIVES ME GOOSEBUMPS AND RAISED HAIR ALL OVER MY BODY.
WHO WILL BE MY ROOMMATE WHO WILL TRY TO HURT ME AGAIN.
TRUST NO ONE, GET CLOSE TO KNOWBODY, AND STAY TO MYSELF WITH MY BACK AGAINST THE WALL.
JUST MY LUCK, I GET SENT TO THE BACK OF THE JAIL, TO THE OLDEST, DIRTIEST, COLDEST VERMIN-INFESTED AREA THERE.
THE STALE AIR SMELLS LIKE DEAD CARCASSES, FECES, AND URINE MIXED WITH SOME LEFTOVER JAIL FOOD. A SMELL THAT WOULD MAKE ANYBODY GAG, EVEN THOSE WITH THE STRONGEST STOMACHS.
MY HYPERVIGILANCE IS AT ITS HIGHEST ALERT, AND I'M IN COMPLETE FIGHT OR FLIGHT MODE. ANY LOUD SOUND OR QUICK MOVEMENT TOWARDS ME BY ANYONE CAN SET ME OFF. I HAVE TO INTERCEPT ANYONE WHO HAS ANY NEFARIOUS INTENT TOWARDS ME.
AS THE GUARD INSTRUCTS ME TO WALK AND TAKES ME TOWARD A DARK HALL, MY FEAR STARTS TO INTENSIFY EVEN MORE, AND MY ADRENALINE LEVELS RISE LIKE I WAS PEAKING ON ACID.
I'M STUCK. I'M HERE, THERE'S NO WAY OUT, I SAY TO MYSELF. HOW CAN I COME BACK TO THIS PLACE AFTER ALL THE HORROR I'VE BEEN THROUGH, THE ABUSE, DECEPTION, AND RIDICULE! I'M SERVING A LIFE-LONG SENTENCE IN MY MIND, AND MY TERRORS AND TRUAMA ARE THE JUDGE, JURY, AND EXECUTIONER
AS I STEP INTO MY CELL, THE LOUD SLAM OF THE DOOR BEHIND ME VIBRATES THROUGH MY BONES, AND THE SOUND RESONATES IN MY MIND LOUDER THAN THE GAVEL THAT SEALED MY FATE IN THE COURTROOM.
THE OVERWHELMING STENCH IN THE ROOM IS UNBEARABLE, AND THE WINDOWLESS CELL IS PITCH BLACK. I CAN'T EVEN SEE MY HAND IN FRONT OF ME. BUT I DO FEEL A STRONG APPARITION IN THE ROOM, I AM NOT ALONE. I HEAR DEEP BREATHING SOUNDS LIKE A BEAR IN HIBERNATION. DON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVES. I DON'T WANT TO ALERT HIM TO MY PRESENCE.
IT TAKES A FEW MINUTES FOR MY EYES TO ADJUST TO THE DARKNESS, AND I'M TERRIFIED. AS I ANXIOUSLY SCAN THE ROOM TO SEE WHERE THIS PERSON OR THING IS, I'M COMPLETELY PARALYZED.
I CAN'T MOVE OR SPEAK, AND MY BODY STARTS SHAKING BECAUSE THE FEAR HAS METASTASIZED DEEP DOWN TO THE FIBER OF MY BEING.
MY LIFE FLASHED BEFORE MY EYES. I SAW MYSELF SITTING IN THE MOVIE THEATRE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE, WATCHING THE MOVIE BEETLEJUICE AT THE AGE OF 11. ME GETTING AN EMERGENCY 48-HOUR PASS FROM JUVENILE HALL TO GO TO MY GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL. GETTING MY VERY FIRST KISS, AND GETTING AN ESSAY PUBLISHED IN COLLEGE. EVERY PROGRAM THAT I WENT TO AND EVERY RELATIONSHIP I WENT THROUGH. I SAW SUMMERS I WOULD SPEND AT CHRISTIAN SUMMER CAMPS AND GAMES, AND CONCERTS I WENT TO. EVERY DECISION I MADE AND OPPORTUNITIES THAT WERE WASTED SPEEDED THROUGH MY MIND LIKE A ROLLERCOASTER OF FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS.
I QUICKLY SNAP OUT OF THE FLASHBACK WHEN I HEAR THE MOST EVIL LAUGH I HAVE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. AS I LOOK TO THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, I SEE A BEING THAT LOOKS LIKE A MAN BUT WITH NO FACIAL EXPRESSION AND I CAN'T SEE ANY FACIAL FEATURES. THE ONLY THING I SEE ARE SOME BIG RED EYES THAT LOOK LIKE SNAKE EYES. HE IS CROUCHED IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM.
I FREEZE LIKE A DEER CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS. THE ROOM TEMPERATURE DROPS 10 DEGREES AS HE STARES DIRECTLY INTO MY EYES AND I FEEL HIS STARE LOOKING RIGHT THROUGH MY FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS, AND SOUL.
BEFORE I COULD EVEN BLINK, HE LUNGED AT ME AND EVERYTHING WENT BLACK. IN THE DARKNESS, I COULD NOT SEE. ALL I COULD DO WAS SCREAM, BUT NO SOUND CAME OUT OF MY MOUTH. THE LOUDER I TRIED TO SCREAM, THE MORE MUFFLED MY VOICE SOUNDS. MY VOCALIZATION IS TEMPORARILY RESTRAINED. THE EERIE SCREAM OF SOMEONE KILLING ME WAKES ME UP OUT OF THE NIGHT TERROR.
I LOOK AROUND AND I'M IN MY BEDROOM, SWEATING
PROFUSELY. MY BLANKET AND PILLOWS ARE DRENCHED IN SWEAT AND TEARS. IT TAKES A FEW MINUTES FOR ME TO RECOVER MY COMPOSURE. I LOOK AROUND MY ROOM TO MAKE SURE AND CONFIRM THAT I AM IN MY SAFE SPACE. IT WAS A NIGHTMARE, A NIGHT TERROR THAT HAS BECOME COMMON IN MY LIFE WHEN I SLEEP. I HAVE HAD UP TO 4 NIGHTMARES BACK TO BACK IN A SINGLE NIGHT. I DON'T LOOK FORWARD TO SLEEPING BECAUSE OF MY NIGHT TERRORS AND I NEVER REALLY GET USED TO THEM.
TRUAMA, I GUESS YOU FORGIVE, BUT YOU NEVER REALLY FORGET. I DON'T KNOW, YOU TELL ME....
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