Tormented by my past
Every secrets has a way of coming out. Behind a happy soul lives a broken child. A past one can't run away from, a past one has to face...when your parents are the cause of your pain, how does one heal?
"Will I really be able to accept the truth, even if it's not what I'm hoping for? " Those are my every day thought after years I'm still searching, i really don’t know what I'm hoping to find. But whatever it is, I'm ready to accept it. It's like I'm searching for the unknown, no clue of what I'm looking for, but in my mind I have the picture. It’s the picture of the little girl, holding a doll, wearing a dress full of blood. She's crying, but no one can hear her, only me.
I feel like she's in my head at the same time. I'm convinced I've seen her before. I'm convinced she is me. Her cries are as sharp as new razors, as broken glasses. Every time when she cries, my head spins, I become dizzy. When I close my ears, they become louder and louder. She is in my head; she is in me. I close my eyes and see her. She's standing by the door and he's standing behind her. He's standing there not doing anything. Is he the reason that the little girl looks so scared? Is he the reason for her cries? But where is her mother? Why is she inside my head, and when i open my eyes i still see her but now she's alone, no longer crying, but she looks so defeated, she looks so scared and pale.
"who are you"?, I asked her.
She just looked at me and walk away. I followed her, but she just varnished into thin air.
"Precious wake up" ,
that was my sister shaking me, gosh it was a dream, but it looked so real.
"Are the nightmares back? ", she asked me with a worried look.
'No, I'm fine, it was nothing". I lied right straight in her eyes.
I had to. She's been so stressed out lately because of me. She looked at me for a while before walking out.
My name is Precious Samuels, 22 years old. I'm doing my second year of journalism. I'm staying with my sister, we don’t know our parents. My sister, Amelia, she is 26, and she is a well-known lawyer. When I was in grade 12, our grandma who raised us passed away.. I don’t know much about our parents, but I still remember how grandma would be angry when we ask about them. She used to say she hates them and curse the day our mother met our evil dad. We don’t even have their picture. I once asked Amelia about them and she told me all she remembers is that my mother never loved us and our dad was an evil monster. I used to have these nightmares when I was a child and I was told I'm being bewitched but my therapist, and the traditional healer we went to, said I should be told the truth before I find it myself and resent every body.
I don’t know what they meant by that, but whatever happened made my sister so overprotective. She doesn't want me to date or to be close to a man. Even her, she is still a virgin, and she hates man, especially rapists. Sometimes she would be angry during a trial and threaten to kill a perpetrator...
Before I dwell too much, let me tell you my story......
CHAPTER ONE
PRECIOUS
after years of not having nightmares, they are back again. And this time they are stronger than before. I always dream of this little girl, she looks 3 years or 4 years. She is holding a doll and she's wearing a blooded dress, she's crying, her hair are all over her face. She looks scared, and behind her there's this scary man, it's like they are looking at something or someone. I somehow feel like this girl is communicating with me or like she is me. Lately been drinking sleeping pills before i sleep because this girl is now tormenting me even at school. haven't told my sister, I'm afraid she might think I'm going crazy again. Last time i told her she said I'm crazy and she will take me to a psychiatric.
It was after school, was with Lydia my best friend. She is one crazy girl, my sister says she looks like she is using drugs. Lydia knows about my dreams she also thinks, i may have some sort of relation with this girl. We are both doing our second year in different fields of study, She is doing Media studies. we've been friends since we were both 8, we both went to the same varsity and my sister bought an apartment just to stay with me. Her words were "i dont want to worry about you everyday, so i rather move to the city, i cant let you stay alone. As always my sister is always right......
"Lately been having nightmares again and this time i cant tell Amelia, you know what she is like", i said to her while sitting in our usual spot.
"why does she think you are crazy, when she knows you are not, something doesn't add up", she said.
"what do you mean?", i asked her.
she just looked at me and shook her head as if i said something stupid.
"can we just eat and talk about something else", she brushed it off just like that.
And when she does that it means she's up to something. I know Lydia when she feels like there is something wrong, she digs it up. I still dont understand why did she chose Media instead of Journalism. I mean this other time her mother was having an affair and she suspected that because her father was so in denial, she dig it up and her suspicions were real. And trust me something tells me she is gonna dig this one up. And she is gonna hit a dead end because there is absolutely nothing to dig. I love my friend but sometimes she can be so obsessed too much with the truth that she even look for something where there is nothing to look for.
We talked about her boyfriend till it was time to go back to the class.
"Presh babe, please accompany me to the toilet", she asked with puppy eyes.
Yep she calls me Presh babe.
"Fine, but I'm gonna wait you for you outside the door I'm not getting in the toilet with you this time", i said and we both laughed.
I felt like there was someone behind me, i looked around but i was alone and Lydia was still inside the toilet. Suddenly i heard her cries, and i knew she was back. She is now tormenting me, it's no longer nightmares. Who is she?
I closed my ears and said a silent prayer hopefully when i open my eyes she will be long gone.
"Presh, Presh", that was Lydia's voice.
"You scared me, you just collapsed, are you okay"?.
Wait did she just said collapsed?, but how cause i was waiting for her outside the bathroom, when she.... ohhh god i was dreaming, again.
"what?",
i asked her hoping she's gonna tell me that we went to the bathroom and i collapsed there.
"Yes, we were talking about my boyfriend, you said you were feeling hot and you were sweating. I ran to buy water for you when i came back you were on the floor, you've been out for hours, and the Dean called your sister".
So I've been out for hours while it felt like i was awake all this time. Maybe I'm really losing my mind.
"Presh, did you have a nightmare while passed out"?, asked Lydia.
"Yes and it felt so real, i think I'm going crazy"....
She stood up locked the door and she looked at me .
"Don't you want to know why are you having these nightmares, dont you want to know why cant you remember anything about your childhood or your parents, what if this child was raped by her father and her mother knew and then they washed away all her memories, dont you want to know who is this little girl"?.
What is she saying, of course i want to know, but even so i dont have any clue, i dont know where to start.
"Lydia, i do wanna know all that, but where do i start"?.
I said to her defeated....
"What if i help you", she said smiling at me..
"Really, you can do that"?, i asked her not sure whether I'm ready to find out the truth…
CHAPTER TWO
LYDIA
My name is Lydia Williams, 22 years of age and the only child to my parents. I'm doing my second year in Media Studies, but i have a lot of journalist skills and i always use those skills when i dont trust people. Precious is my best friend since we were 8, she is one loving soul but very vulnerable and stupid sometimes. She's been having these nightmares about a little girl but her sister says she's crazy, and I for one think they are hiding something from her. I believe she is the little girl and somehow her memory was washed away.
Maybe they did all that to protect her but now she deserves to know the truth, and I'm gonna help her find it. I pray she doesn't hate me when she finds that maybe she is really the little girl, but I'm doing all this because i love her.
"Yes, I'm gonna help you, you deserve to know the truth behind all these nightmares",
i said smiling at her. She jumped and hugged me.
"I would really appreciate that",
she said smiling back at me. I dont know what we are looking for, how it will turn out but I'm ready to hold her hand through it all.
"just dont tell your sister about this", i said to her.
Believe me i had to say this because i know her sister will tell her to cut me off because I'm on drugs. I know it's wrong to do all this behind her sister's back but trust me if we need to know the truth she doesn't deserve to know.
"what if i dont like what i find, what if Amelia finds out she will hate me, she will think I'm crazy, Lydia i dont wanna put you in trouble with my sister. You know she doesn't like it when you dig something".
she said while going up and down. Gosh she is gonna drive me crazy.
"if you dont tell her she wont find out".
i said taking my bag and walking out. She ran after me, i know she feels like she's betraying her sister but i can feel it, her sister is hiding something and I'm gonna find it out. We both walked to the bus station and went our separate ways.
Maybe you all wondering why I'm so eager to help Precious, truth is i understand how it feels like to be brainwashed by the people who are supposed to protect you. Maybe Amelia thinks what she is doing is right, which is wrong. I'm like this because of my parents, they were never there for me. My grandparents raised me, because my parents were always out of the country. Never lack anything only their love and attention. They made me believe money can buy anything but truth is money cant buy love and attention. I remember how i found out that my mother is cheating, always telling dad that she has meetings with a potential client.
Sometimes she would come back home smelling sweat and told dad she's tired she wanna sleep in a spare room. That's when i knew my dad is being taken for a ride. My mother is so manipulative, she's controlling, she's a liar. But dad loves her anyway. To him she's a perfect wife. Never told my dad that his precious wife is cheating just told the guy to back off or i will tell his wife. Yes, you heard that right, dude was married and sleeping with someone else's wife. Now my parents are happy again, or maybe not but i dont care any more. I'm not close to my parents, i always lock myself in the room and they are always bickering each other.
I was in my room when Sam called, Sam is my friend who always helps me out when i need an information on someone. I've texted him earlier, told him about Presh's nightmares.
"please tell me, you can help", i said answering his call.
He chuckled.
"Hello to you too, Lydia.. dude you have no leads just a girl from a nightmare, no picture, no nothing. This is gonna be difficult, but I'm gonna try my best". He said.
Yeah he is right this is gonna be a difficult one but we have to use everything to find the truth.
"wait, cant you trace the hospital, Presh was born into and find out her parents names",
i asked him hoping he says he will try.
"That will help us, ouk will do that and see what i can find, i just hope you guys are gonna find the answers to your questions, take care", he said before hanging up the phone.
I texted him Presh's full names, date of birth, everything i believe he will need and hoped for better news.
CHAPTER THREE
AMELIA
my name is Amelia Samuels 25 years, I’m a lawyer, Precious is my little sister. You may all be wondering why dont i want Precious to know our parents, and why i tell her she’s crazy when she believes the little girl in her dreams is her. Well I’m trying to protect her from her painful past.
It all started when dad took advantage of her and my mom didn’t do anything about that. I was living with my grandmother because dad hated me, he said i was stubborn and disrespectful. I guess its because he felt like i was gonna stand in his way. And my mother took me to her mother, because her husband mattered the most. It was sunday when i was visiting my parents, that’s the day i will never forget in my life. I was with my grandmother when we walked on Precious with a bloody dress, holding a doll and crying while dad was standing behind her not believing that we are standing in front of them.
I ran to my little sister picked her up and cried, grandma called the police but dad ran away. That’s when grandma went to the traditional healer and washed away Precious’s memory. I asked her not to but she believed she was helping her. Actually Precious was 12 when grandma washed away her memory, the thing is she used to have nightmares, she hated man, she was bullying other kids and she was worse because she once told boys to sleep together. She was a monster, and grandma felt like the therapist wont help so it’s best she knows nothing about her parents and her childhood.
When grandma passed away, the nightmares came back i then made her believe that she is crazy. But now i feel like she will dig the truth and find something that I’ve been trying so hard to bury. I dont know where our parents go but they are still alive, and grandma believed we were better off without them and she was right about that, but at the same i believe we need closure. I’ve been stressed out lately, not because of Precious’s nightmares but because I’m having them too. I somehow feel like our parents are somewhere or they are close. I dont know but i feel like the past is back and its now tormenting us.
I cant even concentrate at work, i always feel like someone is watching me. Yesterday i almost lost a case because i felt like there was this person who is following me and he was even in the court room. I just pray its all in my head because i wouldn’t live a normal life ever again if our dad could show up. I know he would make our lives a living hell, that man is evil and he doesn’t care about us. I sometimes feel like he was our step father. I hate seeing Precious like this but I’m protecting her and she is better not knowing the truth. I chose this career out of anger and hate for rapists, and i make sure i put them behind bars and then after that pay other prisoners to make their lives a living hell before killing them.
I know what I’m doing can land me in jail for life, but at the end of the day justice is being served. I hate man, never had a boyfriend and I’m also trying so hard to make sure Precious doesn’t date because i feel like a man will jiggle her memory. I know nothing stays hidden forever but i did what any big sister would do to protect their little siblings. But now I’m scared she’s not a child any more and she can see when I’m hiding something from her, i pray when her memory comes back, she realizes i was only trying to protect her.
The door swung open, she enters the room smiling.
“hey sis, I’m home”
I smiled and went to her, took her bag and we went to her room.
“So how was school, and the Dean called me, telling me you passed out”.
She smiled and i knew she was gonna lie to me.
“I got hit by the ball and passed out, it was nothing serious”, she said walking out.
“and I’m hungry what did you eat”?
she said that going straight to kitchen while I’m following her and i knew that she had brushed me off just like that.
CHAPTER FOUR
PRECIOUS
She was following me while i make my way to the kitchen and i know she doesn’t believe it when I’m telling her i got hit by the ball and passed out.
“So a ball hit you and you passed out for hours?”.
she asked that sarcastic. I took the bowl and dish the food not minding her.
“Precious, you do know I’m not buying this story, what really happened?”, she asked that with a straight face.
“thought I’ve already told you what happened”.
I said that while going to the dining room, switching on the TV. She sat down defeated. We watched the TV both lost in our thoughts, its like we were strangers, not talking, just looking into space.
We were disturbed by her phone ringing, she answered it and went to her room, now i can text Lydia and ask her what’s the plan. We talked till i fell asleep on a couch, was woken up by Amelia.
“You know i dont like it when you sleep in a couch”, she said taking my hand.
She sometimes treats me like a child and i hate that.
“Thank you i fell asleep”
i said that getting up and walking straight to my room.
“Goodnight”, she shouted.
“Goodnight”.
I went straight to bed not taking off my clothes, i was dead tired and sleepy.
Today I’m really late Amelia didn’t woke me up, and she was nowhere to be found, i didn’t go to class i just went straight to the Library. Called Lydia and told her to meet me at the library, as usual my girl decided to skip a class and came to hangout with me.
“Hey you, why aren’t you in class”?
She asked pulling a chair right next to me. I smiled at her.
“i woke up late, forgot to set my alarm”.
She laughed.
“you had nightmares again”?.
she asked with a worried look. I looked at her confused.
“no why”?.
She wiped my cheeks, i didn’t even realize i was crying.
“why are you crying, did you have a fight with your sister”?...
i just shook my head because i dont have an answer of why am i crying, but all i can say is that my heart is heavy.
I feel so overwhelmed, i feel so defeated, i feel like my heart has been torn apart. I’ve had this feeling before i dont know what’s happening to me.
“Presh babe, talk to me, what’s wrong”?
she asked that now pulling me close to her. I just lay my head in her chest and let my tears fall, she didn’t say anything and just brushed my back. It hurts my heart hurts, there is this lump in my chest, i feel so empty. What’s happening to me.
“It hurts”.
i cried so hard. After felt like forever, i pulled away from her and wipe my cheeks.
“I’m sorry i just feel so exhausted, i feel so powerless”.
I said that fixing my face. She just looked at me and nod.
“So what did your guy find”?, i asked her.
“he didn’t find much”
“what do you mean?”
“Presh, he just found out that your mother is Alina Van Wyk and your father John Samuels”.
“wont he work on that, find where they are residing, and how old they are, anything”?
“No he cant, we are not finding your parents, but we are finding out about the little girl”,
I said that standing up, no we cant, i know she also wants to know about her parents, but no i wont let her. I honestly dont think it’s a good idea.
CHAPTER FIVE
LYDIA
Actually I’m lying when i say he only find out about her parents names, he also found out that Jack just escaped from prison and he is a wanted man. He was arrested of human trafficking, drugs and all sorts of criminal activities. Now I’m sure that he raped Presh and wiped out her memory, i dont blame Amelia for hiding the truth from Precious. What i need right now is to talk to Amelia and tell her that their father is alive and has escaped from prison, and he is in this town.
“what are you thinking about, why are you so quiet:,
that was Presh bringing me back to earth.
“ohh it’s nothing Presh, i just have a lot on my mind, dont worry about it”>
“are you sure”?
“yes I’m sure, now lets go shopping, i need new clothes”.
I said that taking her hand and we walked out. I have to keep my cool or else she will see that I’m hiding something. We bought a lot of clothes and went to our favourite restaurant, then we part ways. Later that day i had a meet up with Sam, because i wanted a picture of Jack and his wife.
“So this is Jack”, i asked him holding a picture of this scary man.
“yep, this is Jack, and i dont wanna lie to you, the guy is dangerous, he’s brutal, he’s evil”.
He said taking out more pictures.
“what is all this”?
It was pictures which were not settling, it was girls, some were brutally murdered, some raped and kidnapped.
“all his evil work”, he said.
“that doesn’t scare me”.
He just looked at me as if I’m crazy or something and i knew he was gonna say he will help me.
“i will help you”.
He then smiled.
“Thank you”, i said that jumping to him and kissing him. Oh i didn’t tell you, Sam is not only my friend but he is my boyfriend, a partner in crime.
“But this time I’m gonna need all my team, and I’m sorry to tell you this i will have to call Spencer”.
He said that looking and me, should have known.... Spencer is his hit-man,he is also brutal, cold and doesn’t talk nor smile. And honestly i knew that we gonna need Spencer and i absolutely have no problem with that.
“that’s fine with me and i think i have to tell Precious’s sister the truth, she’s gonna be angry but we need her”.
“its fine by me, will hear from you the, come let me take you home its late”
He said that taking my hand and he dropped me home. I guess tomorrow i will have to go and see Amelia and I’m gonna bring the pictures with me, in case she doesn’t believe me.
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