The Choice
Sara walked home from school, feeling like a zombie. Her heart was heavy and her drive, inexistent. She looked at the neighbouring houses and listened to children laughing and families chatting as she went on her way and felt a lump glide into her stomach, from the tightness of her throat, which was drowned with her silent screams and her unshed tears. Life felt like it was a telenovela series. It had always been such, ever since she had been old enough to understand what was happening around her and to remember of these events. She had never known stability and peace in her parent’s household. Rather, every single day bore the threat of an imminent conflict and every single night, was a sleepless one. Nobody had even remembered that she had turned fifteen three days ago. She had simply come out of her room, greeted her parents and her grandmother with a blank ‘good morning,’ had listened to their silence while she had filled up her water bottle and then, she had simply left for school.
Her father was prone to violence while her mother seemed to have sunk into a sort of undetected depression. Her brother was bent on spending all his time with his friends and was hardly spending his days and nights at home, while she was slowly and steadily turning into an empty statue who could not find any comfort in whatever it is that she did.
There was some ten minutes more for her to walk before she would reach the grand mansion that made the whole neighbourhood envious. Sara wondered if the neighbours knew that hers was a half way house, sliding slowly and steadily towards the edge of a cliff, and that once it would fall, it would be engulfed into the raging waves of an angry ocean. She could not stop thanking the bell for having rung at the right time earlier, as else, it would have been her turn to say a few words to her classmates about her family and the words that had come to her mind had no positivity in them. She would have made a ridiculous scandal out of herself if she had dared to utter:
I live for an image,
Hence, the word family
As you say it,
Is for me a mere mirage!
I have nothing to look forward to,
Except maybe those times
When everyone has fallen asleep
And the ears of my house
Can rest, finally!
No birthday is celebrated,
No moments shared,
No ties revered,
Yet, when the time comes
To make a show,
Either for relatives or for neighbours,
I get instructed to paint on my face,
A smile and a glow,
So awesome,
That their shine would turn
The sun green
And would have the moon hiding itself
From the gaze of the world,
For, forever!
Family, for me, is a word
Which means decisions which
Have been badly taken in the past,
Linger thus upon our todays
Readily blaming me for existing
And even making of me,
A mere show, fake and echoing
With emptiness!
Somehow, her steps led her to the driveway leading to her yard and she wondered at what she would see and hear, before she would be able to escape, again for another day at school. But the news, that night, had a rancid taste to them, especially when the anchor announced that there shall be a two-week confinement as from six am the next day, due to a local case of Covid19 which had been detected in the Northern part of the island. No one was expected to be out, and even the supermarkets were to be closed for the first three days, before the government of the island would come forward with a plan and a strategy on how to allow the people to move while not allowing any viral propagation.
Sara could not believe her ears! She was already a loner, at it is. But at least, she could talk to her few friends at school, forget about the hell that her house was and enjoy herself, even if only for a few hours. The words of Jennifer, her best friend, echoed in her head,
“You can call the Children Protection Services, if you feel like you are at risk, you know that?”
“But, like, what would they do?”
“You will have to expect the worst. They might place you with other family members, or, in the worst case, in a shelter.”
“Will my grandmother be allowed to accompany me?”
“I don’t know about that. They may choose to place her in a shelter for the elderly, or, they may choose to let her stay with you. I have absolutely no idea.”
“Do you have the number?”
“Sure, write it down – 34521343.”
“Ok thanks!”
That night, she sat up in a chair by her open window and imagined scenarios of life as they may happen if the world were to be boosted with a touch of celestial grace. She saw the moon, singing love songs to her as some unknown hero would try to climb up her balcony up to her room, to reach her and to confess of his love for her. He would read her a poem, and it go as such:
Give me your hand,
With me, do stand,
As proudly as would a princess,
Totally in love,
And secure, in the comfort
Of my stature,
Confident that someday,
We shall write the future,
As the embodiments of
Lovers being so loyal to each other
That even
The immemorial lovers
Would be envious of the passion
That reflects from us!
And she would reply to him with,
In the depth of your eyes
In the hoarseness of your voice,
I lose myself,
Dancing away,
As would a carefree Queen,
Aware that you would be there,
To love me
And to shelter me
As loyally as would
The moon kiss up new dawns
Even if each day brings forth
New ventures and new opportunities
Even if each day carries
No stability and bears the name
Of threats with resignation!
In the depth of your eyes,
I see the flowers,
Blooming and detaching themselves
From their stems,
Merely to write our love story
In the night sky,
Already well decorated with
The gleam of those mysterious stars
And amidst this beauty of nature’s show,
I can only submit to you!
She cared not, or chose, rather, to shut herself to the noise that came from the kitchen, where her parents were bickering with each other. Her father was drunk and so was her mother. There was nothing to eat in the fridge, nor in the pantry, except for a few titbits. There were no fruits and certainly no provision had been made for fresh vegetables. The maids and the cook would not be coming as from tomorrow and Sara could feel the hell that the house was already turning into a harsher one, with all sorts of creatures dancing away and laughing at the derision that filled her and invaded her inner ethos.
The next day, she chose to stay in bed till 1 pm and pretended that no one had knocked on her door, urging her, ‘the grown-up bastard’ to get out of bed and be useful instead of idling away. She even pretended that she did not hear her grandmother calmly calling out to her to be a good girl and to get out of bed and to come and enjoy some coffee with her. When she finally showed herself in the kitchen, her heart winced at the stuffy atmosphere that flew in there and she really wished she could be at school. At least, there, the meals offered were tasty and the atmosphere was one of acceptance and civility. The floorings were covered with muddy footsteps and the air surrounding her was rancid. Her grandmother, being eighty-seven, was already sleeping in her bed and Sara wondered at what would happen to her if she were to take her medicines upon an empty stomach. She shuddered at the thought but then blinked back her tears as she reminded herself that this was a most hostile world and since they had all grown to be disconnected to each other, then, maybe the best option would be to be selfish and to think of herself, solely.
Her father was busy in the backyard and her mother was nowhere to be found, which was strange, but, since the house was quiet now, Sara just shrugged off her shoulders and made herself a tea. She hoped somehow that the supermarkets would be allowed to work and that one of the adults in the house would make the effort of seeking some food. Else, they would have to live on water, in as early as five days from now.
There have been new cases of the virus, she could hear from the radio station blaring forth in the common room. And in one night, more than seventy persons have been identified as being positive. The situation in the island was difficult and Sara prayed that they all made it. Her father got in, hardly glanced at her, opened the fridge and took out one of the remaining cans of beer and gulped it down as savagely as would a beast in a forest.
“When you will be done with whatever you are doing, try to prepare something for dinner for us.”
“Where is mom?” she asked perplexed.
“She left last night.”
“Where has she gone?”
“She didn’t say. Maybe with a man.”
“Oh! Ok.”
Sara gulped and wondered at what was it that she was missing out. Something was wrong here, something was totally horribly wrong. Her mother, though depressed, would never leave the household! At least that’s what she thought. Though, she reminded herself, that it had been her father and her grandmother knocking on her door since this morning. She had not heard her mother.
Sara decided to take a walk in the backyard. As it is, there were a lot of time left till dinner time and for now, she wanted to see her dog, Fanta. The latter was in need of a bath, she knew that and now that she would be home, it might be the right moment to take good care of her.
As she walked, she bumped into something and as she looked closer, she saw that it was a mound in the soil, which looked like it had been freshly dug and covered again. A warning bell rang in her mind and she decided to play it cool. She went on her way to Fanta’s kennel and played with her for some time before she headed back inside, only to note with some satisfaction, that both her father and her grandmother were snoring away, each in their own rooms.
Sara went back to the yard and dug at it with her bare hands. She stifled a scream as she saw a hand appear and the thump that she could feel in her mind deafened any reasonable thought that emanated from her. Her heart raced and she decided to act out fast. She ran back to her room and called the child protection services, knowing that doing such would incriminate her father and probably separate her from her grandmother and her brother. But if she didn’t, she would be at risk here and her father might harm her in unimaginable ways. Incriminating her father, thus, would give her mother’s soul, some rest. It was an act which would bring the family image to shame, but then, it was an act which would give her a much sought out redemption a well. In this hostile world, she had no choice than to be selfish as only such would open up for her heaven’s doorway. She wondered at what would be the sentence given to her father. He had always seemed to be such a brave man, carrying himself proudly and he had looked after her as much as he had been able to. At least, it had been so before her mother’s affair had come to light, five years ago and he had taken to drinking.
Hell was waiting for him, she knew and hell was going to be the little time that was left for her grandmother to live. And hell was probably what was awaiting her, but some great spiritual teacher had said it,
‘That in order to gain everything, one would have to lose everything.’
“Hello, child protection services here. Kindly note that we are attending to serious situations only since the whole island is in a lockdown state. How may I help you?”
“Hello, I am Sara.”
“Sara, please speak up, what has happened to you?”
“I think, my father had made it such that my mother now roams in paradise, where she is waiting to see if she will be allowed celestial grace!”
“Oh my God! Tell me your address!”
“Is it a sin to denounce one’s own father?”
“No, darling. God doesn’t like it when parents falter from their ways. Going along with the ways of your father would be sin. Denouncing him will be your redemption and it will also allow the doors of paradise to be opened to you.”
“Come fast then, I live at….”
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