THE CAKE
I SAT THERE, WITH MY MOTHER, WATCHING ... HER LAST LABOURED BREATHS COMING SLOWER AND SLOWER NOW. I HELD HER HAND, AND PRAYED A SILENT PRAYER. SHE HAD LINGERED FOR FIVE DAYS, NOW HER TIME WAS NEAR.
AT 92, SHE HAD LIVED A LONG LIFE FILLED WITH ENORMOUS HARDSHIP, AND FEW TIMES OF TRUE HAPPINESS, IF ANY. I OFTEN WOMDERED IF SHE EVER TRULY HAD A DAY OF PEACE AND HAPPINESS. I HOPED SOON SHE WOULD FEEL COMFORT AND PEACE.
MY MIND WANDERED, MEMORIES......HER LIFE. MY LIFE. INTERTWINED.
AS I LOOKED AT HER, A FACE STILL BEAUTIFUL, AND NOT AT ALL SHOWING HER AGE. SHE WAS ALWAYS BEAUTIFUL. OUTSIDE. SHE NEVER KNEW IT. SHE CONVEYED THOSE FEELINGS...ALWAYS FEELING INFERIOR. SHE FELT IT. ALWAYS. UNTIL ALCOHOL DIMMED HER THOUGHTS AND HER MIND. ALCOHOL, THE MAJIC POTION THAT MADE HER INTO SOMEONE SHE WANTED TO BE. UNAFRAID. OUTGOING. ULTIMATELY ABUSIVE.
A SOUTHERN GIRL FROM A SMALL LOUISIANA TOWN, SHE DIDN'T ASK FOR THE LIFE SHE WAS HANDED. SHE STARTED OUT TRUSTING, NAIVE. KIND, SWEET. SHE BECAME BITTER, ANGRY AND VIOLENT. WHEN SHE TRUSTED, HER HUSBANDS BETRAYED HER. WHEN SHE NEEDED LOVE, HER MOTHER DENIED HER.
SHE BATTLED POVERTY, AND RAISED NINE CHILDREN. HER INNOCENCE FROM A SMALL TOWN GIRL, RAISED IN LOUISIANA FADED WITH TIME AND CIRCUMSTANCES.
WHEN SHE MOVED TO COLORADO. SO COLD, SO DIFFERENT FROM HER ROOTS. SHE HATED IT! IN THIS STRANGE NEW PLACE, WITH NOTHING FAMILIAR, SHE FOUGHT TO BATTLE HER INNER DEMONS. SHE STARTED TO HATE WITH A VENGEANCE NOW...SOMETHING DEEP WITHIN HER CHANGED.
HER HUSBAND...SO HANDSOME...RUMORS...GOSSIP...HER JEALOUSY OUT OF CONTROL! SHE HATED HIM!
SHE HATED MY DAD. I LOVED MY DAD. SO...SHE HATED ME. HER TARGET CHILD.
A DARK TIME.....
NIGHTMARES BECAME REAL AS SHE SCREAMED HER HATE FOR MY DAD, WHILE SHE CUT UP ALL OF HIS CLOTHES, WITH A SHARP KNIFE. STABBING UNTIL ONLY SHREDS WERE LEFT. I PEEKED FROM AROUND THE DOORWAY WATCHING, SHAKING. ...
MORNING DARKNESS PREVAILED, AS SHE PULLED ME FROM THE BED AND SLAMMED MY FACE INTO THE FROZEN ICY WINDOW, YELLING AND SCREAMING AT ME TO "NEVER FEEL SORRY FOR MY DAD AGAIN"..I HAD TO REMAIN THERE AT THE WINDOW. I TASTED SALT ON MY LIP, BLOOD. MY NOSE WAS BLEEDING... I WAS COLD.
DARK TIMES.....FLOODING INTO MY MEMORY....I THOUGHT BACK..... SHE THREW ME, IN THE CAR. SHE WAS GOING TO FIND MY DAD AND RUN HIM OVER. SHE FOUND HIM. SHE GUNNED THE CAR AND TRIED TIME AFTER TIME TO RUN HIM DOWN. I SCREAMED FOR HER TO STOP. HE DODGED HER..... SAFE FOR NOW.
I WAS THE YOUNGEST OF FIVE DAUGHTERS AND AS SHE REMINDED ME, HER LEAST FAVORITE. ALWAYS REMINDED.
SHE TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE AND MY DAD STOPPED HER, .....SHE TRIED TO KILL MY DAD......HE STOPPED HER...DAY TO DAY.....SCARY...OVER AND OVER....
HER MIND IN TURMOIL.
MY NIGHTMARES.
THEN, A MOVE TO ARIZONA. VIOLENCE. SHE TRIED TO STAB MY DAD, WE RAN FROM THE HOUSE. MY DAD, ALWAYS CALM. A DIVORCE. HER DRINKING. LEFT ALONE WITH MY YOUNGER BROTHER FOR DAYS. ONE POT PIE HAS TO LAST FOR 3 DAYS. SO HUNGRY. SHE WENT TO MEXICO AND GOT MARRIED. WE DIDN'T KNOW HIM. HE WAS AN ALCOHOLIC TOO. HE WAS A MOLESTER. I WAS 11, AND I NEVER TOLD HER WHAT HE DID TO ME. WAITING ON THE SIDEWALK ON SKID ROW, FOR HER TO LEAVE THE BAR...SO COLD. TRYING TO KEEP MY LITTLE BROTHER WARM, THE DRUNKS STROLL BY AND GIVE US A NICKEL OR DIME...THE SMELL OF SPILLED BEER ON SIDEWALK...
ANOTHER DIVORCE. HER BOYFRIENDS ONE BY ONE....MOLESTING.
SHE BEAT ME ....MY LEGS BLEEDING....SHE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING THAT.
I NEVER MENTIONED IT...THE ABUSE. PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL.
AT 15, I WAS TO MARRY A MUCH OLDER MAN FOR $1,500. A TRADE. SHE DISCUSSED IT AT OUR KITCHEN TABLE. A DEAL. HE HAD THE. MONEY. SHE NEEDED IT. I THOUGHT. I WAS WORTH $100 FOR EACH YEAR. THIS "TRADE" STARTED A LIFE FOR ME WHICH I DIDNT CHOOSE. I WAS ANGRY. WHY DID SHE GIVE ME AWAY? I HATED MY LIFE. SOMEHOW I MANAGED TO RISE ABOVE THE ADVERSITY AND LIVE A PRODUCTIVE LIFE. IT TOOK TIME. I FOCUSED.
I HATED HER. MY HATE FOR HER MADE ME DETERMINED TO HAVE A GOOD LIFE, IN SPITE OF WHAT WAS BEHIND ME, I LOOKED FORWARD, AND TRIED NEVER TO LOOK BACK, OTHER THAN FOR LESSONS LEARNED.
FINALLY, OVER TIME. I GOT OVER THE ANGER AT HER, I FORGAVE HER. SHE NEVER ASKED ME TO.
SHE NEVER ACKNOWLEDGED MY HURT, NEVER APOLOGIZED. I HELPED HER THROUGH HER LATER YEARS. I WAS THERE FOR HER. IT WAS MY HONOR. GOD WANTED THIS OF ME. I COULD DO IT. DIFFICULT YES. POSSIBLE YES.
LATER, WHEN SHE WAS IN HER 80'S AND STILL LIVING INDEPENDENTLY, SHE TRIED TO COMMIT SUICIDE . SHE WAS DIAGNOSED WITH LONG STANDING MENTAL ISSUES AND MEDICATED FOR THOSE ISSUES.
SHE BECAME A DIFFERENT PERSON. THE MOTHER I NEVER KNEW.
..............
REMEMBERING.....
IN HER 50's SHE HAD JOINED AA, AND BECAME SOBER. I WENT WITH HER TO THE MEETINGS. I SUPPORTED HER. SHE LIVED THE PROGRAM.
SHE WAS GOING TO BAKE A CAKE FOR EVERYONE SHE EVER HURT. SHE BAKED SO MANY CAKES OVER THE YEARS OVER THE SPAN OF FORTY YEARS. SHE TOLD ME ABOUT THE MANY CAKES SHE BAKED. SO MANY CAKES... SO MANY APOLOGIES....I HAD NEVER FORGOTTEN .
HER ATONEMENT.
IN THE END.
I CLOSED HER EYES AND ASKED GOD TO FORGIVE HER AND TAKE HER HOME TO HEAVEN FOR ETERNITY. FORGIVENESS. I LOVED HER, AND I CRIED FOR HER LIFE, A LIFE SO SAD, SO WASTED.
I HELD HER HAND.... PUT MY HEAD DOWN ON THE BED BY HER, AND SOBBED.
"Mom, where's my cake"
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