Losing Faith

“I am sitting in the shadow of a Cross, tears laying tracks down my face as I witness this ceremony unfolding before me. Faith, our precious little angel, sleeps within God’s embrace. Her mother gently brushes the hair from her brow as a spectrum of light beams through stained glass, caressing her face…

…a man of the cloth forms the sign of the Cross upon her forehead, anointing her with the Holy Spirit, asking God’s forgiveness for her sins. Any sins put upon this Earth are not of her accord, for she is pure of heart.”

This is not a foreshadowing of things to come, but a remembrance of the past. This is a story of a loss no one should ever have to endure, and it’s one that must be told.

Losing Faith

I was a reporter for a small newspaper in the Deep South during the late Seventies. My editor wanted a different spin on how the youth of that time handled peer pressure, and how that related to their belief in God. I was surprised when I was given the assignment to cover a youth retreat, because I never was a huge believer in an all-knowing supreme being. How was I to know just how much this assignment would change my life? I was anticipating a group of bible pushing holy rollers, you know, a weekend of force-fed consequences of one’s actions. There were the occasional references to God, but most of all, these young teens learned about common sense.

The one good thing about that retreat was that I met my future wife, Karen. She was one of the counselors, and I knew instantly I wanted to spend my life with her. After a couple of months together, we decided to marry. I agreed to a big church wedding, only because I knew how important it was to her.

Over the years, we started to face the fact that having kids just wasn’t meant to be. I had suggested fertility procedures to Karen, but she said if God wanted us to have children, it would happen. So we continued to live our lives together, alone. Then, soon after her fortieth birthday, Karen came home overwhelmed with joy. She was pregnant. I too was elated, but concerned about her having a child at her age. But everything turned out all right. Nine months later, we were blessed with a beautiful little girl. We named her Faith, because of my wife’s undying belief.

Life was so wonderful sharing it with a young child. I even started going to church with my family. That led to me attending Sunday school classes, so that Faith and I could be baptized together. The wonder of a child softens your heart. It changes your priorities, and the way you look at life.

Birthdays flew by and soon Preschool was upon us. For the first time in her young life, Faith would have someone other than Karen or me to watch over her. As she walked down the hallway leading to her classroom, I could see the fear of the unknown in her big blue eyes. But Faith loved her new environment. All she could talk about were all the great new friends she had made in her school. That’s why we were so surprised, after only a few months, we were called in religion. But this was different. It was more about right and wrong and the for a conference with her teacher.

Faith had stopped playing with the other kids. She had crawled into a shell and seemed to be tired all of the time. Karen thought it might be the flu, and set up an appointment with the doctor. Test after test came back negative, yet Faith continued to get worse. Then the day came when we got the news no parent ever wants to hear; Faith had cancer. All I could do was pray for my little girl. Yes me, praying. My wife was furious. How could this be? How could a loving God do this to someone so young, so innocent? How ironic, the one person who taught me about God, now wouldn’t allow his name to be mentioned in our house.

Karen had completely changed from that moment on. She even wanted to remove the Cross from over Faith’s bed, but I insisted that it stay. I knew God would take care of our little angel.

Faith went through all the different medications and treatments. Some seemed to make Faith feel better, while others just made things worse. Karen and I even shaved our heads when Faith started to lose her hair, just so she wouldn’t feel so different.

One of the best days of our lives was when we learned Faith was in remission. She progressively improved, and within six months, she was cancer free. And as Faith improved, so did Karen. We once again started attending church as a family. Karen was even happy to learn that she was pregnant once more. And now, with Faith fully recovered, and the new baby on the way, our home was a happy one once again. All seemed right in our world, until Faith started to get sick again. Within months, Faith was gone. The strain was too much for Karen to bear. At Faith’s funeral, Karen went into premature labor, and was rushed to the hospital. I was torn between the burial of one child and the birth of another. I had to stay and see my little angel laid to rest.

By the time I finally made it to the hospital, Grace had been born. Within an hour’s time, I had buried a daughter and had become a father once again. But the emotion of grief for Faith and the overwhelming joy for Grace couldn’t prepare me for the shock I would soon have to face. There were complications during delivery. Karen had passed away. If not for the precious little being I held in my arms, I would have given up.

This is not the end of my story, but the beginning of a new life, one with Faith. You see my daughter Grace is all grown up and she has been blessed with a daughter of her own, which she named Faith, in honor of her sister’s memory.

I am sitting in the shadow of a Cross, tears laying tracks down my face as I witness this ceremony unfolding before me. Faith, our precious little angel, sleeps within God’s embrace. Her mother gently brushes the hair from her brow as a spectrum of light beams through stained glass, caressing her face. She releases the softest of cries as a man of the cloth forms the sign of the Cross upon her forehead, anointing her with the blessings of the Holy Spirit, asking God’s forgiveness for her sins. Any sins put upon this Earth are not of her accord, for she is pure of heart.

I know in my heart that my wife, Karen and my daughter, Faith, are smiling down upon us as we celebrate this sacrament of life, this Baptism of faith.

Faith is never lost, it surrounds you, it fills you and it remains forever within your soul, embrace it!

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