Letters to Momma- 2- 9/11/2015
Dear Sept. 11th,
I loathe you. Well, that escalated quickly, huh?! But, there it is. I’ve spent too many moments anticipating your arrival. Too many. I’ve plotted and planned just how I was going to handle you showing your face. I’ve told myself that you are just another day. I’m not going to let you get the best of me. I’ve told myself I’m foolish and that I already know you are going to do a number on me. I’ve fought back insisting that I will stay positive, focus on the good memories, and the hopes of what the future holds. I’ve accepted that I’m just not that cool and No, I’m going to obsess about the painful sights and feelings from a year ago. It’s just who I am. I’ve ridiculed myself for being that way… why?! Just don’t do it Jessie. It won’t change a thing. It’s just going to hurt. I don’t like being that way? Is it normal? It’s getting to be too much. There are too many of these days now. Too many days that just automatically bring on the sad in me. Ugh. I’m tired of that. Sept. 11th, you have way too many friends! Though you are the new kid in the group. I feel you may be the ring leader. You represent the end of an era. You are the thief who stole the last of my roots, the deepest root of them all. Thanks to you my tree almost came tumbling down. Not cool dude! Not cool. It has been a long, hard, and gruesome year. Sadly, I must admit there were some lows that I didn’t handle so gracefully. But, here we are. Meeting again. No thanks to you I might add. Luckily for me, my mom was a genius! See, she knew one day our roots were going to get yanked. Just as they did for her and just as they will for everyone. She’d been a survivor her whole life. She was seriously made for that sh**. She had a plan. She had been setting anchors in place for years. Anchors, that would hold us up and keep us standing. So I have a little message for you and your little buddies. You don’t win! Never. Ever. I’m not saying you won’t affect me or my day. I’m not saying you’re not going to hurt. I just saying, you don’t win. They win. The loved ones and the house they built, still stands strong. I sit here today and remember some awful memories. Envisioning some of the hardest moments of my life and remind myself that today hurts because it’s the anniversary of beginning a life lived without my momma. A life that I will always believe begun way too soon. But, this fact will always remain. Every day is an anniversary to life lived with her. Every day is an opportunity to cherish what she gave us. To appreciate those anchors she set for us. And to truly live the life she dreamed for us. I refuse to take these things for granted. It’s not about you Sept. 11th. It’s about her. Yes, she lives on. Every day. Her legacy lives on. So I’m done with you Sept. 11th ………… Dear Momma,
I love you, I miss you. I hope to make you proud by continuing to lay anchors for this family. I’m honored to be a daughter of Renee’. The Fields Girls are solid. I promise your legacy will always live on! This family was everything to you. You proved it every day of your life. We will protect it with every fiber of our being. When one is weak the other two will stand tall! Thank you for everything you did for us and continue to do from above. We see it, we feel it. I love you and will see you in my dreams, remember I like being in the middle! Glad you're mine.
Love forever and always, Messy
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