Bunch Of Hooligans
Bunch of Hooligans
Paris- Maree Boreham, 2007
IMPORTANT INFORMATION
So you want to be cool, just contact me…..
Cool-Bria Perrin, C/O Cool Kids Club, C’mon then, what are you waiting for? Do you expect me to pick up a pen and write a letter to me on behalf of you? Don’t be afraid of my tremendously strong character- I’m simply a very Cool Kid who’s job is to sort out the cools and the uncools. If you think you are uncool perhaps you should put this book down immediately and try and fit somewhere else. If you believe you are cool I strongly advise you to chill out and take note of what I’m informing here and we will all happily welcome you aboard. Regardless if you are cool or unsure if you are cool or not…….. you better read on.
Handy Sandy is a new kid in our Cool Kids Club. Only all the cool kids are meant to be members and believe me Handy Sandy is very un-cool.
He wasn’t really accepted in our group, didn’t even attempt the initiations Bubblegum blowing, Paper/scissors/rock or Madness Memory Mania.
Handy Sandy has rather distinctive overgrown buck teeth and pointy sticky-out ears from his egg shaped head. He laughs noisily like a kookaburra but otherwise was as quiet as a partially muzzled mouse.
The cool kids got nick names from the presidents-Coolcat, Onecool, Nicoola. Handy Sandy didn’t get a nick by being talented, pretty or friendly. He was only appointed a place here for fetching drinks, lollies, carrying kid’s belongings and retrieving the balls when we played games. In my opinion Handy Sandy really truly did not belong in our group!
“G’day Dudes, Dudettes,” the annoying whisper of little big buck beaver was back.
“Hey Handy, Handy Hi, Yah -Handy Sandys here!” my friends nievely welcomed Sandy Suck-Up.
Why can’t they see that this kid was cunningly trying to make our carefully selected organization his. Seriously, let me try and put this in perspective for you a little more (seen as though all can’t see the real picture).
Example 1.If we were really all what we eat- Onecool would be a humongous hamburger with the lot, Coolcat would be a slice of extra-cheesed supreme pizza, Nickstar a hot
Sausage roll and Handy Sandy would be piece of cutlery-useful but positively something you can not consume.
Example 2.If we were all something we could wear-Nicoola would surely be a futcha pink lippy, Christycool would be a pair of state of the art headphones, I’d be a pair of trendy sunnies and then we have Sandy- Very much like a clown mask-but not none of those amusing very cool clowns but an annoying one-trying to sell you rubbishy junk with a fixed cheesy smile. Yes indeed- His red nose even resembles a clowns.
There were other unions, The Outcasts and the O.K Girls.
The Outcasts were a group of beanie kids with temporary tattoos that were established because they were slightly…well….hmmm…different. They mostly kept to themselves. We never had a problem with them.
The Ok Kids had a rep too- they were simply Ok. Not un-cool, neither cool just O.k. Mostly made up of a girls, they were originally the O.K Girls but changed their title to O.K kids when Dan (Dan the little man- they call him) joined their O.K forces.
On fast feet Handy zoomed around collecting the tennis balls which the cool kids skillfully slogged off their racquets.
Appearing out of no-where The O.K Girls and The Outcasts were approaching our group together!
Why were they united entering our domain? What ever did they want? HandySandy ran and joined them as they confidently strutted towards us.
“Look!” a member pointing towards them.
“Everybody be cool,” Nickstar advised.
The girls lip-glossed there lips and I put my pink sunnies on.
INVADERS
‘Hi Coolies!” Boo-Boo said (one of the leaders from the outcasts).
“Hey Boo, Hi Boo,” a couple of kids replied.
“How are you Nina?” I asked an o.k. girl.
“O.k. Cool-Bria “, she said whilst flicking back her long auburn curly locks.
“Let’s get straight to the point about us being on your cool turf,” Outcast Ollie said.
“Yeah,” said her sidekick linking her arm and a joining her head to hers.
“For sure you all must be busting to know what we are all doing here?” Nina said.
“Well, I have to admit I am slightly curious,” said Cristycool in a calm voice and a prominent raised eyebrow.
“They wanna have a tournament!” informed Handy Sandy with that usual tone like he had a pegged nose.
“Do you really think you got what it takes to win a tournament against the cool kids?” Nickstar said. Doing an impressive front flip Nickstar caught his cap with his head on landing.
The repetitive kookaburra laugh was back. The outcasts and the ok girls immediately turned and looked rather flabbergasted at Handy. How humiliating it was to have everyone assume he was part of our gang! Anger was coming over me in escalating waves and I could feel my face getting hotter and hotter then much to my surprise all the cool kids busted out laughing-Handy Sandy had triggered a laughing detonator.
They have to be joking! This kid was obviously planning to turn our fabulous reputations
Into the Goofy Kids Club!
“Cool it!” popped out from my mouth rather aggressively. Everybody went quiet.
The OK Girls looked at me, gasped and stepped back. Oh no that was very uncool, deep breaths deep breaths.
Big Ben pulled off his brand name beanie; a purple fringe fell to his forehead.
“I know I have got what it takes to beat you in ANY tournament,” Big Ben boasted. Then he threw his beanie in the air and began pirouetting around Nickstar.
“They call me Nickstar,” he teased leaping like a ballerina.
The ground shook when he landed-all bent there knees too balance themselves.
“I am only playing with you Nicks Picks…….. His nose,” his mates laughed ecstatically.
“Aha……. You want another present,” Nickstar slid closer to him and pointed his second finger, with much to my astonishment there was a very noticeable florescent green blob at the tip of it.
Oh My Gosh! He really does pick his nose! I really must give Nick a hygiene lecture and a box of tissues or else he could be a prime candidate for the next eviction.
“Ewww, Oh Yuck, Grose,” girls shrieked.
Believe me I felt horrified but was concentrating on my cool poses, Well some people have to look beautiful around here!
“Heres a present for you Benny Boy,” Nickstar persisted.
Big Ben turned and fled back to where he came from with Nickstar on his heels.
Nick returned as instantly as a beam of a laser weapon of a jeti's prince when it gets flicks on and offered some kids some gum.
“Do you want some, its New Ace Alien Gum?”
Thank goodness there was a logical explanation. It would be a preposterous thing for a kid in my club to do something so dispictable like that.
“So tell us more about the proposed tournament,” Rally Dally said taking his new modern spectacles off and placing them in his graphitized case.
“Yes, Well Dally we propose….”Dan from the OK kids replied.
Pushing his specs further up his nose, he gestured with his hands…
“That we all have a fun comp, maybe table- tennis, squish- soccer………… naturally winners will be allocated a bonus prize.
“A prize?! Ace! I love prizes. One day I won this prize a really awesome miniature skeleton with these like really huge ……….”whispered ramblings of HandySandy, unfortunately he seemed a tab more talkative today.
A strong scented foul stench lingered. A couple of kids sniffed the air and looked at one another.
“Ewwww He did it”, giggled Nicoola whilst pointing at Handy Sandy.
“Oh pongy, you farted,” said CoolCat
“Who ever smelt it dealt it!” replied HandySandy
The ok girls dramatized choking.
“You did!”
“You did!” they debated.
That Handy Sandy was up to old tricks again!
“Seriously you want to compete or are you too scared too?”
“Whats the big prize?”
Dan kicked the dirt and looked around our home turf…..
“What about full access in every domain?”
Well this no way seemed like a fair deal as with positively no doubt we had the coolest spot of them all. The Ok girls hung out around the shops, and who even knew where outcast’s kids really did hang out? The outcast kids might not even have a hang out,
Maybe they were just lost gypsies going from one hood to another or a vulgar thought they just could hang out in the toilets-As a matter of fact I have seen them there quite a bit recently.
“Well, how about it?” Nina asked very confidently and rather cooley! What was she doing over there? Nina would fit in our club perfectly; actually she could be Neat instead of Nina. Then as powerful as a bolt of lightening a genius scheme shot through my generally above average alert wave lengths.
If we battled for swap a gang member Neat could come to our mob and I could get rid of Handy Sandy for once and for all!
“Well Hey Everyone I strongly recommend we don’t play for full access to turfs but something better- A gang member swap!,” I said whilst shaking back my hair of my forehead rather proudly.
“Since I’m vice president of the coolies and have brought this very cool idea up either of you groupies can choose any tournament you like,” I anxiously blurted. “How lame,” Dan opposed.
“My idea is better.”
“Pffffffttt!!” I strategically rolled my eyes
Yeah……So come on guys who’s with me?”
Jimbo an outcast guy winked at me with a goggling eyeball which I pretended not to notice.
“Yeah. I’m with ya!” he replied.
Others followed agreeing with his wise consent.
“Well then we should have a relay OK?” Nina said
“Bring it on!” an outcast replied.
“Cool cookies,” Christycool agreed.
“Agreed then. Midday sharp tomorrow at Drummer Oval, Be there or be square.”
“Yeah, be there or be square and don’t forget your underwear,” Handy Sandy’s two front teeth fell on his bottom lip.
Tournament at Drummer Over
Wearing without any doubt the absolute coolest clothes amongst all including my group I was feeling pretty good about myself. My brand spanking new sneakers glittered silver when I moved my feet my matching twin set tracksuit gave that same mirrored reflection.
It was a dry humid hot day with the sun attempting to melt our brains but couldn’t succeed as we all had the ultimate personalized caps especially designed by coolcat himself which said “Kewl Kids Klub” and a neatly pressed iron on of an individual big cat on the back of it. My black panther was positively certainly cool. So sleek and majestic, it appeared she was desirous to leap off my hat and lead the clan.
“Let the games begin!!!!”
Game One-Roller Racers
First there was roller blading, a race from start to finish. One team just scraped through; it was The Outcasts. As usual the O.Ks did O.K and confidently bladed into second place. The Cools did their bit- Of course they won.
Game Two- Tennis Tournament
“Damn the tape is unwinding on my racquet,” I informed Nicoola.
“Hmmm….” Nicoola searched her sports handbag.
Nicoola always carried a really colourful bag with a large variety of knickknacks, thingamajigs and girly possessions. Often she would astound us by revealing some of her bag contents. So much stuff she carted.
“Check this out, never knew this was in here,” she handed me a small tube of extra strength super glue
“Maybe that will do the trick”
“Cool cool”
I squeezed on the tube and a generous amount flowed out onto the tape. Winding the tape swiftly the odour was extremely strong, it made my nose tickle.
Achoo! Achoo!!
My nosed itched like crazy I turned slightly so it wouldn’t be that noticeably to scratch my nose.
Achoo!!!
I grabbed my nose and sneezed into my hand and that’s when the unfortunate unforetelled event occurred. I had accidentally super glued my finger to my nose!
I tried and tried pulling my finger off. No matter how hard I tried it seemed totally impossible to get it off.
A new feeling – Embarrassment rushed throughout my body. I knew I was blushing as my cheeks felt they were burning up like a pumping blazing fire.
“Yay, Yay!!” kids applauded.
“Handy Sandy is an ace tennis player Coolies,” Outcast Ollie yelled.
“Yeah, He’s deadly!” agreed Jimbo panting.
“We don’t want to play tennis anymore c’mon lets go to relay.”
“Cheers for Handy Sandy…….” Nickstar said grabbing his skinny freckled arm and raising it in the air.
“Hippip too Cool……….” Our team cheered in unison.
This time I was not concerned about all the attention Handy Sandy was getting.
All I was interested in was getting my finger off my nose that was making me cross-eyed. As everybody Woooooed Handy Sandy and told him how excellent and great he was I became increasingly worried about how I was going to defix my finger from my nose.
There just seemed to be no way I could remove my finger!
Arggghhh I pulled and pulled.
Game Three- Running Race.
“Hurry up!” Bellowed Big Ben echoing over the entire perimeter of the oval.
“Countdown to race one begins, all contestants have one minute to get down here”
“HandySandy should race, He should race,”Christycool said.
Handy Sandy zoomed towards the starting line Nicoola and Nickstar frantically debated who else should race. There are only two persons from each team for this race.
Pulling, pulling yanking I thought I was going to rip my nose off my face!
“Geeee……..” Christycool gaped at me her eyes totally fixed on my face.
“Is there something wrong with you?’
Oh no this is really bad, she knows! She knows!!
Christy cool was very cool but her only weakness was gossiping.
“Nickstar,” she voiced
“Twenty, Nineteen, Eighteen, Seventeen….” Big Ben counted down.
Contestants were at the starting line facing with their backs against us.
What an unbelievable predicament and it has to happen to me!
“Twelve, Eleven, Ten, Nine……..”
Desperately trying to free myself before the whole world knows.
“Three, Two, One………”
Frantically trying to get it off Ahhhh….
“On your marks, steady………”
Damn this
“Get ready………..Go!”
Twas then I made the most erradical decision I’ve ever made in my whole entire life
I leaped forward and ran as fast as I could into the race,
Yes…….
With my finger still attached to my nose.
Firstly, I fled past Big Ben, Tugging hard, Why was this happening to me? Next I overtook Nina, trying my hardest to wrench it off. Leaving behind BigBen and Nina there was no way I was going to slow down now, I went flying past BooBoo and Ollie-OK. The feeling of having your finger stuck on your nose is one of the worst things I have ever encountered. I could barely see HandySandy he was so far ahead. He was going flat out like a diagonal rocket with legs.
I could hear the cool kid’s yahooing and cheering Sandy on.
Pulling, yanking frantically
I could see The Finnish Banner, my heart pounded like it was bound to explode any tic of a beat.
Truly Handy Sandy was about a standard school desk in front of me when he ripped through the banner. This was no real concern as I personally just wanted to keep running to a very unpublic place but I couldn’t physically do it
All groups encircled HandySandy.
I could see HandySandy above the crowd on top of somebody’s shoulders punching the air and laughing in joy. For a glimpse of a moment a gold halo appeared hovering above his head.
They sung cool hero loud and happily.
Ahhhhhhhh I yanked with even more effort then I did before then discovered the opportunity to slip away unnoticed which naturally I took to call my parents for help. My Mum and Dad helped me free my finger with some magic fix anti superglue
Dilemmas cream. Certainly I was very lucky to be able to unfix but admittingly had a noticeable red nose which I seemed to conceal quite well with cover-up.
ONE DAY LATER
People agreed Handy-Sandy did legendary athletics at the tournament and so therefore he was promoted to the highest presidential position of the cool kids club. HandySandy convinced everyone that the gang member swap wasn’t appropriate as he liked our club and its members just the way we were.
I felt a little sore on my chin, feeling it I noticed there was a rather large bump.
“Oh my goodness how very uncool you have a zit.”
I snatched Nicoolas compact mirror and with my own two eyes was completely stunned and horrified to discover my first zit. What a disgusting site it was, It was really so THERE!
“Ewwwwwwwwww totally ugly, totally uncool”
The dreaded uncomfortable feeling began to haunt me once again.
“Yucky”
“Zit face Zit face,” teased my suppose to be friends.
I heard some sniggering and giggling.
“BUNCH OF HOOLIGANS!!!!!!!!!!!”
In barged handy sandy through the crowd.
I covered my chin with my hand.
Handy Sandy placed his hand gently on mine and levered it off.
“It’s alright Cool-Bria” he reassured me
Then he gasped and his smile was as big as a semi-circle.
His repetive laughing was back
I felt my eyes accumulate tears so heavy and ready to pour streamily a new ocean
All began laughing
I sniffled fighting back the tears
“This is not funny! Not funny at all! If you had this big thing on your face how would you feel?” I screamed very much upset.
Handy Sandy stopped laughing and the others followed in silence
He looked at me looked and appeared rather sad
“That thing? That thing? He rolled his eyes…….”
Then he started unbandaging his knee
“Check this out mate”
To my amazement a big black banana peel fell and I witnessed a wart so big it more then likely would have been the largest in the world.
“Now that’s what I call a big thing!” he pointed.
Every body laughed including me! Honestly, I didn’t think I’d ever stop laughing. We all laughed like a bunch of kookaburras.
Handy Sandy really truly was one of a kind and positively really truly without a solitary doubt one cool kid.
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