BIPOLAR DISORDER, WHAT IS THAT LIKE?
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BIPOLAR DISORDER
WHAT IS THAT LIKE?
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BIPOLAR DISORDER, WHAT IS THAT LIKE?
My name is Sandra Doolan. I am 60 years old, and in 2006 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, Hypomania.
There are different types of Bipolar Disorder, but I am going to try and not be too technical in this book. You can Google it if you like.
I am writing this book to try and explain what having Bipolar is really like. I will do my best.
I was living in England at the time of my diagnosis. My partner and I packed up everything (including our cat Smudge), and went to live in England for reasons that are not really relevant here. Anyway, we stayed with friends of ours initially and eventually we found a place to rent in Walthamstow.
We went with our friends to Paris for a few days and it was on this trip that things started to go awry for me. I noticed on the train trip to Paris that my thinking started to change. On our arrival and for our whole trip I had much more energy, I needed less sleep, my mind was clearer than it had ever been and I talked much more. Then on the train trip back to England, I became quite paranoid and my behaviour at times was strange. I remember when we arrived, some people asked me if I was okay and I replied, I don’t think so. Then when we got home things got worse. I don’t remember everything that happened, but I do remember hearing the voices of what I thought was my family. I thought they were next door and they were planning to surprise me. So, I opened up both the back door and the front door even though it was the middle of winter and it was very cold. My partner was pretty unhappy about this because Smudge our cat could have got outside and that would not have been good. My partner ended up calling the NHS hotline because he was quite concerned about me. He explained my behaviour and they suggested that I be taken straight to the nearest hospital. So, I was taken to the Emergency Department and I remember sitting in the waiting room and I turned to my partner and said, don’t they know who I am? I thought I was a famous singer, so I was delusional now. When I got up to the ward, I was talking to anyone and everyone and I thought the security guard was my personal bodyguard. He went along with it to keep me happy. We were taken into a room eventually and a couple of doctors asked me questions with the door closed. Well, all I wanted to do was get out of there. So, I was sedated eventually, put into an ambulance and transferred to a Psychiatric hospital. The next day I was told by the doctor that I had Bipolar Disorder and so my life was forever changed. I had written a few songs before my diagnosis, but whilst in hospital I wrote about 10 songs. My creativity was really high.
I am really happy that I have the ability to write songs and poems because I am unable to work now. I used to be a nurse and I did some administration work also. I have tried to work part-time since I was diagnosed and I also tried some volunteer work but I got too excited or stressed and I relapsed. So, now I am on the Disability Pension. It took some time to get on the pension because there was paperwork and interviews and then more paperwork. Eventually though I was given the disability pension which is great because without it I would have no money.
Not being able to work is one of the hardest aspects of having Bipolar. You are probably thinking that the medication or the mood fluctuations or the depression would be the hardest things. They are a challenge also but not being able to work is hard to accept.
I was in hospital (one of the many times), when I wrote the following poem and it is pretty self-explanatory. I have scattered some of my other poems here and there in this book.
I’M SO BORED
I’m so bored I think I snored and I’m not even asleep
I’m so bored I know I snored, no need for counting sheep
It’s like watching paint dry or watching grass grow
This day is going extremely slow
I may have lost my sanity today
Maybe I’ll find it on ebay
Maybe some pigs might fly away
I think I lost my sanity today
If you find it, please return it to my PO BOX address
Without it I’m a mess and I feel a little stressed
The cheese has slipped off my cracker
My mind has been invaded by a hacker
I’m so bored I think I snored and I’m not even asleep
So very bored I know I snored no need for counting sheep
That’s why I lost my sanity today
And now that’s all I have to say.
EVENING SKY
The moon and stars lit up the evening sky
A comet slowly wandered by
I gaze at the constellations everywhere
Venus here and a scorpion over there
Leo to the left, the Southern Cross to the right
All of the stars brighten up the night
The clouds are starting to roll in
The thunder is making a bit of a din
The lightning strikes and the thunder booms
The clouds have hidden the stars and the moon
I love the sound of thunder and lightning
To me it is not at all frightening
And now the rain is coming down
The storm is raging all around
The storm doesn’t last very long
The wind above is very strong
The clouds are slowly dissipating
Now I can continue concentrating
On the moon and the stars again
They have returned just like an old friend.
MAGIC AND DREAMS
I had a dream last night
The dragons were all taking flight
Their fiery breath lit up the sky
It was a mesmerising sight
But then, I opened up my eyes
And that was when I realised
It had all been a dream
Things were not as they seemed
I believe that magic happens
I believe that dreams come true
Open up your heart and mind and you can feel it too
It’s not so hard to do
I’ve seen magic happen
I’ve seen a flower bloom
I’ve seen the bolts of lightening
I’ve heard the thunder boom
You don’t need smoke and mirrors or magicians and their wands
Just look up at the flakes of snow and the waves upon the sand
Magic happens every day
Let your dreams take you away
Let your mind just gently stray
Who knows what may come your way?
One of the most important things to do when you have Bipolar is to find a good Psychiatrist. I am happy to say that I have done just that. You need someone who is easy to talk to, who listens to you and who will help you get the treatment that you need. I have been seeing my psychiatrist for about 14 years now and I really appreciate everything she has done and will do for me. You can’t do this alone. I have a good support team and it is very welcome.
If you have Bipolar you can become very impulsive. I have had problems with gambling in the past and also with shopping. I really like t-shirts and I also like buying DVD’S. I like watching movies. I don’t gamble anymore which is good because I was losing a lot of money. I do shop a bit sometimes. I just have to be aware of my behaviour and try to control it or ask for help. I need to monitor myself, make sure I am getting enough sleep, make sure I don’t get too stressed, if I am feeling low, do something about it so I don’t get worse. If I am feeling high the same thing applies because what goes up must come down. It can be like walking a tightrope and trying to stay balanced so you don’t fall off. Staying stable can be hard sometimes, but there is always help at hand.
I have had a bit of ECT (Electro Convulsive Therapy) and it has helped me very much. It doesn’t help everyone apparently. I am one of the lucky ones. You can Google ECT too if you like. I am leaving the technical side of things to other people. I just want to share with you what it is like living with Bipolar. It is life changing to say the least and anyone with Bipolar will tell you the same thing. It is manageable though with the right medication, the right treatment and the right help. Everyone is different and one size does not fit all. So, it has taken me a while to find the right medication and treatment for me. Once you find the right medication it is a good idea not to stop taking it. I stopped taking my medication once years ago and it didn’t turn out too well for me. I had a huge anxiety attack and ended up in hospital. I will not be stopping my medication again in a hurry, very bad idea. You live and learn though. If you don’t like the medication you are on, have a chat to your doctor and get it changed. Not all meds agree with everyone.
It is very important to try and stay positive. The bad times will eventually pass. If you are depressed you need to talk to someone and get some help before it gets worse. I have had suicidal thoughts in the past and that is not fun. Talking to someone will help. Things are never as bad as they seem. Don’t keep it to yourself. A problem shared is a problem halved. Gee, I sound like I know what I’m talking about. That’s because I am talking from experience. Being really sad is definitely something to avoid. But it can happen sometimes and you need to do something about it. The same can probably be said about being too high. Don’t get me wrong, it is fun at the time but it can lead to a huge low and that’s not worth it.
I was standing in my kitchen early one morning. I was feeling beyond miserable. So, I emptied all my sleeping pills onto the bench and added some Panadol. I then took all of those pills because I just didn’t want to feel sad anymore. I regretted it immediately and I went and woke my partner and told him what I had done and he drove me to the hospital straight away. I ended up on the Psychiatric ward and that was not much fun I can tell you. Amongst other things they watched us eat every meal. There was no trust and that really upset me. I am happy to say that I have never felt so sad again. I monitor my mood and if I need help, I get it. If I am having suicidal thoughts now I always talk to someone about how I’m feeling and that has always helped me. I have to say those feelings and emotions out loud. It is very bad to keep those feelings inside, they need to be shared and then everything is okay again.
It is not easy to have Bipolar Disorder but it can be managed. I am living proof of that. So never give up, if you need help, please ask for it. Take care.
LIVE YOUR LIFE
Life can be happy
It can get sad
Life should be good
Don’t make it bad
Will you make a difference?
You only get one chance
Life’s what you make it
No need to fake it
Just live your life and have some fun
Live your life you’ve only got one
Live it up and don’t get down
Wear a smile and lose your frown
It’s a journey to your destination
Can you feel the great sensation?
Do your best it’s up to you
Only you can see it through
If along the way you make a friend
That’s the main thing in the end
You’ve only got one life that you can live
Only one chance for you to give
Listen to the words I have to say
Live your life from day to day.
MY BIOGRAPHY
My name is Sandra Doolan and I live in Girraween (Sydney), Australia. I mainly write poetry and I have published 2 books so far, WHAT’S IN A POEM and MY WORLD OF POEMS. I have recently finished writing a children’s book of poetry called TIME TO RHYME and it will be published soon. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in 2006 and I decided to write a book about my experience with Bipolar because I want to help other people who have the illness. Some of my poetry has been published in publications such as: 2021: THE YEAR IN POETRY, FROM THE HEART by Publications International Group, THE NEW ENGLAND POETRY JOURNAL, THE SUNFLOWER POETRY REVIEW AND DIGEST, to name a few. I have the ability to write a poem about any subject, writing is what I do. I am also the resident poet at ALIVE 90.5fm radio station here in Sydney. Thank you.
Sandra Doolan
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