Bio 1: what is love?
A person learns to give love, after receiving love. Love comes from parents mostly, when we are younger. And our childhood decides how we turn out to be as well. So before i get into my own talk, i will back my story up with some psychology. Children when growing up develop some sort of secure attachment with their mothers. There is physical contact between the mother and the baby, hormonal attachment, when the baby relies on mother for feeding, it feels that the mother is his/her secure place. The mother is always there when the baby needs her. The baby depends on the mother for this feeling. As per psychology, babies who receive this secure attachment from their mothers, who received this love, give this love to others. They grow up to be confident, take risks, are emotionally well versed with others around them, continue to seek this love from others and provide this love to others.
Ever since i have been young, I have felt lack of empathy and emotional attachment with people in general-my family, friends. I always felt like I needed to find my own way in things, because I have no one else to turn to. Some called this being a rebel, but I found independence at a very young age. Giving love was and is still hard, because I didn't recieve it when I needed it the most. After all these years, when I am now in my 20s I finally get it. When I was born, I was separated from my mother as she had become sick during my birth. For which reason, she would be in the hospital, and I would be in the hands of different family members who wouldn't give me the secure attachment I needed. When I was few months old, I developed some sort of allergy, which led me to not feed from my mother. The secure attachment a baby needs when it is younger: physical comfort and feed, both weren't there for me when I needed it. I never learnt in my early years of life, that there is someone I can rely on to. Someone who will always be there for me- this idea never reached me right after I was born. Sure, later I might have received it but not when I was learning about it initially.
You know how its said the more you love someone, the harder it hits when you're hurt from them. Yeah, didn't really understand this. I am very forgiving, I agree, but this reason was not necessarily why I wasn't affected as much when someone hurt me. It was because i never expected much to begin with, I never relied as much, I never loved as much to hate that much. Or why I was never able to say no to others because I didn't realise the boundaries of love. How much is enough, how much are your rights--this I had to figure out myself and learn the hard way. Still learning.
Another thing. When I left highschool or college, didnot feel any sort of attachment to it. I remember my friend would just reminisnce the stories of school and all the fun we had together, and I just would not relate. A lot of nodding and hmms. I can easily move on? I do not know if this is a good thing or bad thing, but it does suck a lot at times. I find that people do not understand me that well, or find me rude rather. When I dont really know the basics of how to like someone. Sounds insane to a lot i guess.
So the reason why I have always preferred solitude. why I find it weird if someone likes me, why I have been unable to show love to anyone, why I am emotionally numb, why I avoid people in general, why I do not take risks, why I never rely or expect from anyone, why I guess I never found home as my secure environment, why I didn't feel super attachment to my family, why I always felt the odd one out--was all just a simple reason of how I was not an attached baby. Wow, this just blows my mind. Easy to blame it on this reason, easier this way for me to develop myself.
Sharing this, in case anyone out there as confused as me about themselves, can relate to this.
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