A Dead Loss

A Dead Loss

For the attention of Mr. A Deadloss.

Re: Catastrophe of a funeral

Please note the omission of “Dear” before your name which incidentally aptly describes your shambles of a business, a dead loss and wretched would have been a better choice of address. I had been recovering from the death of my beloved Uncle Jack prior to the funeral but now quite simply I’m recovering from the funeral. I have a long list of complaints which I am going to bring to your attention so take note and be very grateful that I am not confronting you in person.

The hearse that arrived with Uncle Jack’s coffin was antiquated and scruffy with black smoke belching out of the exhaust. It was making resounding banging noises that reminded us of the discharge of a firearm prompting us to duck in anticipation until we realized what it was. We followed its erratic progress in our cars to the church and watched the coffin which was not properly affixed to the plinth bounce around the back of the vehicle. As if that wasn’t bad enough the hearse slowed to a halt on a hill with the driver cheekily asking us if we could give it a push. For the sake of poor Uncle Jack we did so until it had reached the top where it teetered and swayed before gathering momentum down the other side completely out of control. It must have hit speeds of over eighty miles an hour while the incompetent driver tried to stop it before violently hurtling into the church wall with an almighty wallop. The force of the collision caused the rear door to swing open catapulting the coffin into the air. Horrified we watched it sailing above us before it eventually landed, fortunately may I add, amongst a bush of prickly brambles. By this time the coffin lid had come loose exposing Uncle Jack in all his glory. He was down to underwear because some lowlife scum had even taken the suit he should have been wearing. Lid back on, the coffin was then supported by six pall bearers, two of whom were extremely frail causing the coffin to sway this way and that. One of the them suddenly dropped to his knees clutching his chest and gasping for air. We then spent the next half hour applying mouth to mouth resuscitation and cardiac massage before watching the poor unfortunate gentleman being ferried away in an ambulance. It would seem to me that you employ anyone probably very cheaply and it was plain for all to see that this hapless soul had exceeded the age of retirement by many years. We followed only five pall bearers carrying an extremely wobbly coffin into the church to the sounds of Cliff Richard’s “Congratulations and Celebrations” when it should have been “Marche funebre” by Chopin. Instead of being a sad affair this funeral had become a total farce. We cringed when we heard the vicar get all the facts wrong about our Uncle’s life and worse, a tongue tied bible reader stuttered over the word “succor” pronouncing it rather like a rude word. You did have one redeeming factor though. The music on exiting the church was finally Chopin’s Funebre, although this is normally played at the start. The journey to the cemetery proved a bumpy ride yet again for poor Uncle Jack as the replacement hearse was not much better than the first. It lurched and jolted all the way and was driven by a complete novice of a driver. On arrival the coffin appeared more battered than ever and we were thankful that this embarrassing funeral was almost at an end although it did succeed in finishing with a final humiliating flourish. The rope lowering the coffin was badly frayed completely snapping and causing the coffin to nosedive to the bottom completely upended. It took the next half an hour trying to right it difficult when the hole had not been made big enough. It was eventually positioned slightly upward and to one side so with fond farewells we bade a somewhat crooked Uncle Jack a final send off. By this time I was in floods of tears having been through half a dozen packs of disposable hankies. We all left the cemetery disgusted vowing to take your bungling company to court and as s you can see from this letter the above complaints are manifold. We will be seeking a very large amount of compensation with additional costs to pay for solicitors, court fees and other expenses incurred. You will be hearing from my lawyer shortly. Be warned!

Yours With disgust

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