Ascending to Zero
And thus I wake from my 30 month slumber
Fuzzy headed and cotton-mouthed
As pristinely damaged as before my rest
When my Reaper drew our curtains closed
Living life in a trance isn't new to me
I don't think I've ever truly woken up
It's easy to define my past with hindsight to guide me
But I don't think I've ever not felt this way
Pale, drawn, immobile, deified
I've conquered endless barriers and lovers
As some passive observer behind a screen
This body is mine, but I am truly just a brain
A gunshot to the chest, a fist to the nose
Nothing hurts as much as fear
And thus only in fear do I truly feel alive
And only in fear am I ever roused from slumber
But exposure has made me sluggish
No longer as potent an aphrodisiac
All the old warning signs are slipping
Further and further away, I descend
Submerged in these ancestral waters
Unable to catch my breath and swim to the surface
I lay on the bottom of this lake, staring skyward
As the currents erode my frame
Locked within my skull, trapped within my brain
An oval stone could break these chains
And serenade me with serotonin once again
And let me move again
I've seen it so many times now
The Reaper unlocking her potential
My friends and mother, not forced into greatness
But merely returning to zero
In a world of Negative, do I dare return to zero?
Do I admit these last few years are real
And acknowledge that I've wasted my 20s
Chasing some childish image of justice?
Or will they fail me in the first place?
Wrack me with side effects or fail to restore me
Take my dream of freedom and break it
Condemning me to a life in chains
It is fear that defines me
Fear that forces me to advance
Fear that drives me to plant my feet and defend
And fear that will make me look back in remorse
For as always, I will fetishize this time in life
And simultaneously curse the opportunities I squandered
For if I free myself now, I'll regret not doing so sooner
And thus I am paralyzed eternally
So kill me now, Reaper
Finish the job you let me escape 30 months ago
Return to zero, sacrifice yourself and put me down
For if anyone is to kill me, I'd want it to be you.
Copyright © Derek Chos | Year Posted 2019
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