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My Dismal Reality

Having loved ones is an incredibly comforting feeling, but when you enter the vast 
landscape of the mind and see only depression and despair,  you become aware 
that you are alone in your misery.  Clinging to the last threads of sanity It feels as if 
you are spiraling into a bottomless black abyss. 
  All sense of responsibility, joy, hope, drive, ambition and any concern for life are 
gone like a whisp of smoke.  There is no comfort offered when  looking deeply into 
who you are.  Everything that you once held dear seems so pointless in the eternal 
perspective of time.  There is no escape from the futility of it all.  Will I make a 
difference or at least be a descent human being.  If I do, what difference will it 
make.  Countless times have I looked into the never ending realm of insanity and 
longed to leap into its welcoming arms.  I can think of no greater blessing than to 
lose one's capacity for self awareness.
  Would I fall for all eternity or through the destructive force of madness find 
normalcy. It all seems so hopeless.  Some say life passes so fast that you should 
cherish every moment.  But, living out the drudgery of each day seems an eternity to 
me. If I focus hard enough my minds eye sees exactly who I am.  I have a self 
loathing, over burdened, depressingly active, mentally challenged, sarcastic, twisted 
thinking process.  Process usually indicates order.  Not in  my case.  My mind plumets 
into a cold unfeeling wasteland that sends me into fearful fits of confusion where I 
am overwhelmed with unrelenting incomparable anger.  I ponder an escape , but I 
realize I am destined to wallow in the  company of despair and futility for all eternity 
and deservedly so. Then it finally dawns on me that through my foolish decisions 
and self destructive actions I have fulfilled my mission in life to be a stench filled 
mass of human waste.  I grieve for those who know the loneliness I feel  when 
journeying into the depths of the seemingly twisted internal machinations of my  
mind.  It is the only place that in all respects you are truly alone.  I no of no other 
place where hopelessness reigns as it does in the deep recesses of who I am.    It 
makes me wonder if I might be God's only mistake. 

Copyright © Brian Malott | Year Posted 2011

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  1. Date: 3/10/2011 5:21:00 AM

    long yet meaty...soup mail
  1. Date: 3/8/2011 12:26:00 PM

    I would like to welcome you to PoetrySoup Brian. Please keep writing and sharing your poetry. Enter and enjoy some of the contests and I wish you the best in them. Love, Carol
  1. Date: 3/7/2011 10:31:00 PM

    o reality is annoying that why i like my head and how i escape from it, but we cannot drown ourselves in it, be sad, be angry, be happy, just live everyday BMallot.
  1. Date: 3/7/2011 9:04:00 PM

    You can't be a mistake. Be hopeful Mallot. Love, Adeleke