This is what happens when I've you more
I’ve run into this truth three times now
I know I’m hard to love.
But every I love you I ever gave
Was carved from the depths of my soul.
It wasn’t light.
It wasn’t fleeting.
It was real.
And it hurt.
Reading old messages,
Seeing your name,
Thinking of being with you—
It tears through me
Like love turned blade.
Each memory driving it deeper.
It got unbearable.
Not just the missing,
But the silence that followed.
I wasn’t asking for miracles
Just a single word of encouragement.
A flicker of kindness.
Proof that I mattered in your storm.
But the silence stayed.
And still…
I stayed soft.
I stayed loyal.
I stayed loving—without a leash.
My life got hard,
And all I wanted was you.
Not to fix it,
Just to stand beside me
While I faced it.
I don’t believe in knights and shining armor.
Men don’t fix my problems
I do.
I just needed encouragement.
Someone to have my back
While I fought through the fire.
This is what happens
When I love you more.
It’s all the pain I’ve ever felt, but more.
You were home to me
when all I’ve known
is gut-wrenching homesick.
A homesick that started
when I was a little girl.
No matter where I was,
it hurt.
Home was never four walls
It was you.
I knew in my heart you were my last.
You’re my last — with or without you.
But dreams don’t always hold.
I keep replaying every moment.
The smiles. The silence.
The way you looked at me when the world faded.
The way you didn’t, when I needed you most.
It’s yesterday on my lips.
It loops.
It haunts.
And now I go at it alone
Again.
Because I always have.
And still,
I love you more each day… turmoil.
I’m left with so many questions
you’ll never answer.
It f***ing broke me.
Harder than the first.
Harder than the second.
This aches.
In my chest. In my gut. In the places no one sees.
This isn’t heartbreak
Profound loss.
A piece of my soul is missing.
New bits of my heart falling to the ground.
There are no words.
No definition for this pain.
It’s the silence of my sadness
as my heart shatters and breaks.
Dreams altered, not shattered
taken like a thief in the night.
No crash, no warning.
Just… gone.
Heart bleeds.
Still, I meant every I love you.
Still, I would’ve chosen you
In every lifetime.
Even if it broke me
and honestly, it truly has.
Each day, a growing pain.
A new piece shattered.
This isn’t heartbreak.
There are no words
for the depths of my sadness.
No definition suitable.
Still…
I wear a smile
and move forward with life.
Hoping for yesterday's return
Copyright © Kimberly DeCosta | Year Posted 2025
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