Abyss
It's hard
The feigned facade displayed on Caps on my face
The last thing I am is brave
In the dark, I'm everything I am
In the light, I'm everything they want
It's hard
The imposed words gushing from their mouths with the resonance of stamps
Like rules but they are beliefs
Beliefs that I am something more
Define more? I mean tangible, great... More
Inexorable convictions stamped like fulfilled routines of their daily affairs
Oh they think I'm a thing!
It's not fair!
Mother's white and perfect dentition spread wide like the gossip of the market women
As I walk down the stairs,
As I exit the interview room,
As I walk into the academic hall
As I anticipate their expectations that it should turn out right
Her smiles are bright but not my psych.
Dad says I stand out and I know I do
But not in the way he assumes
I don't hate to disappoint
For that is me, it's what I always do.
But what could be at stake?
The fast growing bubble that may burst
And they get to find out my name, I mean my name
The one weighed by shame
The one I'm afraid to utter
For it may sound familiar to their ears and then go up in flames
With no remains or crumbs for tomorrow
And I'll hear it for the hundredth time, “i told you so”
Though this time from their lips and not my mind
I wish I could hide behind the closed doors that never opened for me
But somehow the four corner walls of solitary is unsafe for me
I think I'm scared of me
I'm scared that if I succeed,
I'll be living a sham and not being me
Being accustomed to failure is real.
You believe in me... To set your records straight
To have the world praise your good name
for being the saving grace to a person like me
i bet they'd call you great
The last thing I am is brave
In the dark, I'm everything I am
Solace in my weakness as imbecilic as it may sound
In the light, I'm everything they want me to be
A disguise the insane can bet on and win
Seems not all scars can be hidden.
I acknowledge the abyss
The unflinching defeat that at least brings peace from its stability
All I can be is me
Copyright © Joy Josiah | Year Posted 2025
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