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Poem

It's hard
What is?
The feigned facade displayed on Caps on my face
The last thing I am is brave
In the dark, I'm everything I want to be
In the light, I'm who they want me to be.

It's hard
What is?
The imposed words gushing from their mouths with the resonance of stamps
Like rules but they are beliefs 
Beliefs that I am something more
Define more? I mean great 
Inexorable convictions stamped like fulfilled routines of their daily affairs 
Oh they think I'm a thing!
It's not fair!

Mother's perfect white dentition spread wide like the gossip of the market women
As I exit the interview room,
As I walk down the stairs
As I walk into the academic hall
As I anticipate their expectations that it should turn out right
Her smiles are bright but not my psych.

Dad says I stand out and I know I do
But not in the way he assumes
I don't hate to disappoint 
For that is me, it's what I always do.

But what could be at stake? 
The fast growing bubble that may burst
And they get to find out my name, I mean my name
The one weighed by shame
The one I'm afraid to utter
For it may sound familiar to their ears and then go up in flames
With no remains or crumbs for tomorrow 
And I'll hear it for the hundredth time, “i told you so”
Though this time from their lips and not my mind.

I wish I could hide behind the closed doors that never opened for me
For somehow the four corner walls of the solitary room is not safe for me
I think I'm scared of me
I'm scared that if I succeed, 
I'll be living a fake and not being me
Being accustomed to failure is real.

When others believe it seems they're tryna set their records straight 
To have the world praise their good name 
for being the saving grace to failures like me
Though there was never grace.

The last thing I am is brave
In the dark, I'm everything I am
Solace in my weakness as imbecilic as it may sound
In the light, I'm everything they want me to be 
A sham disguise infants can bet on and win
Not everything can be hidden.

I acknowledge the abyss
The unflinching defeat that at least brings peace from its stability 
Even in the midst of piercing heartening
So who's next please?
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