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Me Myself and I

My self-awareness is clear.
Blunt. 
It's ugly and painful. To call it enlightening, is putting it lightly.
Honestly though, it's relieving, intriguing, and totally necessary. 
Character building, and damn near life-saving.
They say "seeing is believing"... But what about these feelings? 
The temporary, non-factual, and oh so ing deceiving.
I prefer to walk this life in honesty. Real, raw, and owning responsibility. 
Without concern for the possibility of living "lonely".
My truth. 
Your truth. 
THE truth. 
I struggle to grasp how it's so hard to direct all my best efforts...
 ANot for you, not for him, or for any of them. But for me. And at least for now, only me...
Like clockwork. One, two, three. 
The bad decision making. 
I always have been, I am now, and always will be, my own worst enemy.
Some will say that they "admire" my ability. 
My ability to rep nothing more, and nothing less... Then just me. 
Inside I'm laughing.
 It's almost really ing funny! 
With a head clouded thick and smokey and a heart I seem to keep on freezing.
Painful realities, 
I continue to keep on stuffing. 
Like it's all okay. Right here, right now...
see in my eyes that my lips are saying  it. 
Again. 
Sell off another piece of my soul & commence to feeling nothing.
Turns out with all this ducking and dodging of reality, I myself am being robbed of the real me.
The chick they so ignorantly pretend to be "admiring". 
It's gotten to the point of what I deem as wasteful & petty, being sold short... 
Ultimately starving your life, my life, and this  bag Society, of true, legit beauty.
The crimes of passion that fuel within me. 
The answers remain exposed. Ever so transparently.
As I once said, my self-awareness is more than a blessing.
Granting the ability to understand what blatantly lay before me.
Allowing my swollen eyes to see ever so clearly.
Observing, the chaos and defeat.
hear me say, although I'd prefer to scream.... 
No matter the faulty choices, or the seemingly impossible hopes and dreams... 
I can be my own muse, my own Mentor, I will be just me. My own home team. 
Completely denying the hopelessness that the greatest of evil strives to feed within me

Copyright © Shawna Toal | Year Posted 2019


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